The Nerd [BXB]

34 𖠇 Pain is Temporary

There's a heaviness over my shoulders that wants to sink me to the deepest part of the earth. Not only does it haunt me from above, but wrecks me from the inside. Earlier, on the bench, Oscar pulled out a gun and shot at my chest, blowing my heart into a million pieces along with everything that filled my chest. Now, all I have is a nothingness that drains my energy to the point where I can fall to an eternal sleep no matter where I stand.

The feelings which were strangers to my tongue tormented me all day—especially when I would come across him in the hallways. It was too much for me to handle, so I dialed my mom and she quickly picked me up.

"What hurts?" she asks me as we drive home.

I want to hold a hand over my chest and tell her 'here, mom,' but I simply shake my head. "I'm just not having a good day," I say.

She's not convinced, giving me side glances the entire drive but not insisting on an answer.

"You don't want anything to eat?" she says as soon as we close our apartment door behind us. "Food might do you good."

I didn't want to worry her, so I reach for the center of the table and grab the granola bar Harvey left there this morning. With the bar in hand, I walk to my room and shut the door.

The quiet is comforting but hurting.

The quiet leaves room for my thoughts to roam freely, attacking my emotions constantly by replaying Oscar's hand letting me go. And with every replay, my chest aches more and more.

I don't know what to do.

I take a book out, but the words make no sense.

I open a draft of my stories on my computer, but my mind is deserted of ideas.

I turn on the TV, but the show doesn't grab my attention.

A feeling I'm too familiar with settles in. It starts with a tickling underneath the skin of my hands that travels up to my arms. Then, there is a lack of oxygen in my room that makes me take deep breaths. My heartbeat is continuous and quickly in my ears.

I lay in my bed with my eyes shut and tug my pillow close to my chest, trying to slow down my breathing. Although it helps a little, there is still a worry that it might come back.

There's a knocking on my door.

Harvey peeks in. His brown hair is wet, covered in sweat after soccer practice. "How are you feeling, Theo?"

I don't want him to hear my quivering voice, so I nod my head and hope that's enough for him.

"If you need anything just ask me or send me a text," he tells me. "I'll be in the living room with your mom."

I smile at him, or try to.

He closes the door and I hear his footsteps leaving.

All afternoon and night, I check my phone as soon as I receive a notification, hoping it's a text from Oscar—an apology of some sort. And the waiting for him keeps me up at night, even when my eyelids beg to give up.

He never reaches out to me.

Fully awake, I leave my bed to grab a pill from the kitchen that can send me to sleep. Just as I lightly walk up to the cabinets, my foot comes across the foot of a chair. The sound is barely there, but I remain still as if that will keep Harvey from waking up.

It's no use.

"Theo?"

I sigh, mad for waking him up. "Sorry. I'm just going to get something really quick."