The Nerd [BXB]

35 𖠇 Sad Driving Hours

I never disliked school like many teenagers nowadays. The building gave me things to do, kept my mind distracted, and gave me a sleeping schedule that made me feel productive. And if you're into horoscopes, you'll blame the fact that I'm a Virgo for that.

Nonetheless, the day I never expected came when Harvey parked in his usual parking spot and I stared at the building. I did not necessarily fear the building itself, but a certain individual roaming inside of it. He hurt me in a way I've never been wounded before, leaving a gash in my chest from where my heart slipped from my rib cage, falling to the ground for him to step on. The scar, although barely healing, still bleeds in abandonment.

"Do you want me to carry you inside? I can do it bride style if you want," Harvey says as I stare at the haunting scene in front of me. "You will have to see him at some point, Theo."

I take a deep breath and take my eyes off the school. "Can that day be tomorrow?" I tell him, unconsciously scratching the palm of my hand. "I'm not ready to see him yet."

He sighs, chewing a corner of his bottom lip. "Will your mom get mad if we skip today?"

   I think about it. I've never skipped school or done anything without my mother's consent—actually, I did escape once to go to a party with Harvey—so I think thoroughly about my response. "Only if she finds out," I decide.

   His eyebrows rise in awe for my words, but a sudden grin replaces his expression. "Where to?"

"Anywhere," I say, "except here."

   "Coach is going to fucking kill me," Harvey mutters, hitting the gas.

   Just like the movies, I lower the window and stick my arm out, feeling the rushing of wind try to drag me out of the car. To my side, Harvey has his eyes darted on the street. The sunlight hits him directly, making his light bronze skin shine. He notices me looking at him and asks, "What?"

   I smile at him. "Nothing."

   He frowns but grins anyway.

   I suddenly recognize the street we're on. The last time I was here, the wind was not only aiming at my arm but my entire body as I hold on tight to Oscar's waist. And just like I remember it, there's a red barn down the hill that brings a sinking feeling to my chest.

   "Talk to me, Harvey," I blurt out, keeping my gaze away from my surroundings.

   "About what?"

   A question comes to mind. "Do you feel lucky?"

   "Be a little more specific," he says. "I feel lucky about a lot of things."

   I shift my body so I'm laying on my side, full-on attention devoted to him. "About being bisexual," I clarify. "Having an interest in boys and girls."

   He remains quiet for a second before replying with, "I never really thought about it."

   "Even though I never felt the need to be with a guy, there has always been a sense of limitation," I explain to him. "Like, there weren't many options for me in my city."

   "If you put it that way, then yes," he says. "I guess I am lucky to have a broader chance of finding someone." I can see that he thinks about something deeply by the way his eyes are elsewhere. "Is that why you clung to Oscar?"

   I gulp when there's a sudden dryness on my throat. Maybe he's right. As I mentioned, my main goal in life has never been to find my perfect match or soulmate. Does that have to do with the fact that my mothers separated and left a bad impression about what love is on me? No, I don't blame them. I've definitely noticed attractive guys around and wondered what it would be like to walk by their side holding their hand, but I've never acted upon that attraction by flirting like other people. My self-esteem isn't that high for me to take a shot at anyone.

   In the back of my head, there's this constant idea that no one will ever find me attractive. I know who to blame for this: The isolation I adopted all these years in high school. Somehow, I feel like if I find someone, I will not be able to keep their undivided attention on me because somewhere else is another guy way more attractive than me. And when I look at the beauty of these people, I feel unworthy of their time and love—because I'll never look like that.

   Oscar is beautiful, there's no denying that.

   Oscar is beautiful, and he was into me.

   Not Genesis, not Harvey, not even Autumn with her gorgeous red hair. Me. Theodore Walker—and that made me feel special.

   I hated him for that.

  How can a human being make me feel special as if I can't do that on my own? Why do I need someone else's attention to feel like I exist? How can this specific individual manipulate my emotions so easily and rank my worthiness based on his opinions of me?

   So for Harvey's response, I answer truthfully, "Yes."

   "You clung to him because you felt like there was no other guy that would be into you?" Harvey scoffs, laughing loudly. "Where have I been all this time, Theo?"

   I cover my face with the sleeves of my green jacket. "What we have is— interesting?" I don't know how to describe our relationship.

   "I was so into you, Theo," he reminds me. "And I made it clear from the start." He continues driving, never looking at me. "You weren't."

   I take a deep breath and finally find myself gawking at the green fields that stretch endlessly. The remorse I felt back when Harvey was not aware of Genesis' plan for me to break his heart comes flowing back. "I'm a selfish person, Harvey," I admit it to myself more than to him.

   "Don't be so melodramatic," Harvey says, the wind blowing his brown hair back. "Everyone is a little selfish."

   The street is mostly empty as we drive away from Sunset City with no map or GPS. "I wish I could take back all the bad things I did in life and become this perfect species of humankind that has no regrets," I tell him.

   Harvey wishes the same—maybe just a little more than me.

   "Do you have any regrets, Harvey?" I face him. "Terrible, agonizing regrets that make you want to travel back in time to take them back?"

   I did not notice it, but his breathing has come to a stop as a weight presses on his chest. "I do," he confesses.

   "It's your turn for therapy," I say, wanting to hear from him now. "What are your regrets?"

   Harvey considers telling me for a second, but that quickly changes. "Someday, Theo," he says to me. "Not today."

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A\N: Like and comment for more! Also, buckle up for the upcoming chapter! :)

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