Love, Lilly

Lilly

I thought a clean break would be better. But the look on your face... Sometimes I am infinitely stupd. I really tried to do the right thing. I didn't realize how hard it would be, for both of us. I know I did it wrong. I just didn't know how else to pull away. I knew you couldn't let go of me. I didn't think I could let go of you. I needed to do it before I lost my nerve.

I went home that day a mess. I had no idea how I was going to get through the afternoon. All I could see was the look on your face when I walked away.

My cousin, Max, was staying with us while her family was moving. She asked what was wrong and I told her the truth. The truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. I didn't know what else to do.

I wouldn't have told her; I get that you need privacy, and time. But I didn't know what else to do. And I can't hurt you any more than I already have.

Max said I needed hard facts, things that won't change everyday. She said on Saturday we would go to the Space and Science Museum.

I love my cousin, in seventh grade when I came out we went to the store and bought matching pride shirts. We long outgrew them but she keeps buying more. I just don't know that anything can help me any more. Except for you.

I am almost ready to give up.

On Friday I try to ignore you. It's harder than it should be. Somehow my eyes keep finding you but thank god you don't notice. I practically run out of school when the bell rings.

I find Max in the guest room when I get home. I plop down on the bed next to her and she gives me a sympathetic smile

"How was today?" she asks.

"Could have been worse," I sigh.

"You know it's not too late," she says. I hate her right then, she doesn't understand. I hurt you too bad. You will never forgive me. I will never forgive myself.

"You don't get it!" I snap, my anger boiling over. "Me and Sam - we can't fix what I did. I can't fix what I did. It's too late. We're never getting back together."

Max looks down at her lap and I instantly feel ashamed. She was just trying to help.

"I'm sorry," she says softly.

"No, I'm sorry. I guess I'm just taking this a bit hard." I reply. And for maybe the millionth time I break down crying. Max pats me on the back and murmurs softly to me. I take a deep breath and try to pull myself back together.

I go through the rest of that day in a daze. I'm barely functioning; it even takes effort to brush my teeth. All I can think about is you. Us. Everything we could have had. All the ways I've messed up.

I'm glad when Max takes me to the Space Museum. It's a break from living inside my head. I would have been holed up in my room all weekend otherwise, moping and feeling guilty and heartbroken. She helps me pick out some normal clothes and leads me to the car. Max is seventeen, so she has her own car.

We get to the museum and she leads me in by the hand. Max always knows what to do to make me feel better. We go slow and linger silently by the first exhibit. It's a model of the first spaceship. I don't really understand what is going on but it is interesting to look at. We stand there for a bit holding hands and I feel as good as I have felt for a while. Things are almost as they should be. Almost...

Because nothing is as it should be without you. I was wrong. A clean break is worst of all.