Love, Lilly

Sam

I run into the stall closest to the door, locking it, and then sit down, leaning against the dirty tiled wall. I get that sitting on the floor of a public bathroom is gross, but the toilet doesn't have a cover and I don't think my legs could have held me up for much longer. I pull my knees up to my chest, squishing my arms between my legs and stomach. I'm shaking. But I don't cry.

I'm feeling too much all at once. I'm not really sad, I don't think. Not hurt, either. I don't think that Lily can hurt me anymore. I'm more shocked. I guess I really overestimated how much I meant to Lily... that hurts a little. And it's kind of embarrassing. I'm definitely angry, though. And jealous. Of the blond girl, sure, but also of Lily. Why does she get to hurt me, and then go and have a perfect life? Don't I deserve better than that? And... if she can move on so quickly, was everything we ever had fake?

The bathroom door swings open and someone in purple high-tops walks in. Go away, go away, go away, I silently beg. I can't manage seeing Lily right now. But the high-tops walk towards me, stopping in front of the mint-green metal stall door. Lily taps lightly on the door.

"Sam?" she says, hesitantly.

"What." It comes out harsh, more of a demand than a question.

"I'm sorry," she breathes, and I see her shins tipping forward. She's leaning her head against the stall door.

"What are you sorry for?" I snap back. "Breaking up with me? Calling me lame? Going out with another girl a month after friend-zoning me, and two days after kicking me out of the friend zone? Or were you with her the entire time?" I'm glad the bathroom is empty. Lily chokes out a humorless laugh.

"Max?! Gosh, Sam, no. There was never anyone but you. She's my cousin."

"Assuming that's even true," I reply, not caring how mean I sound- because she deserves every bit of it, "How is it supposed to make me feel better?"

"I don't know, Sam!" She sounds frustrated now. "I'm doing my best, all right? This isn't easy for me."

"Easy for you?" I'm on a roll now. "Easy for you? You're not the one hiding, Lily. You're not the one pretending everything is okay, that everything is the way it should be, the way people want it to be, when it's not! You're not the one living in constant fear that someone will find out, and hate you for it."

"Yes, I am," Lily says. "I'm hiding you. I'm pretending everything is okay, even though it's not. I'm pretending everything is the way it should be, I was pretending that my two best friends were dating, when I was in love with one of them! It's not easy, Sam. And the fact that you're living in constant fear of someone finding out is your fault! I know it's going to be hard to come out, because I did it! I came out. I did what I was supposed to. I know being gay in our world isn't easy, but I was supposed to be done with all the sneaking and hiding. And then we started dating. So I was back to the hiding. I was supposed to be free, Sam. And then I wasn't. So yes, it was hard for me. I was only trying to do the best thing, for both of us." She's not leaning against the stall door any more; she's pacing in the empty space between the row of sinks and the row of stalls.

I remember this about her. She paces when she's worked up about something. When she would get excited about a project, or frustrated with the amount of homework we'd gotten, she would pace in circles around my bedroom, ranting about whatever it was. I'm too angry to miss her.

"Oh, so now you're blaming me for the fact that my parents are homophibic?" I hate using that word. It tastes disgusting as it rolls around my mouth. But it feels more angry than any other thing I could have said. And I am angry.

"Yes! No! I don't know!" Lily is really upset now. I can imagine her waving her arms around. I stay where I am.

"It just wasn't supposed to be like this," Lily says quietly. She's standing still now, facing away from me.

"What was it supposed to be like?" I ask.

"Easier. Love was supposed to be easier."

"No, it wasn't. We knew that." We're both speaking softly now.

"But it was supposed to feel worth it. And sometimes, Sam... sometimes it didn't."

"It always felt worth it to me."

"But you weren't supposed to be done hiding! You had decided not to come out yet. You were resigned to hiding, so being with me was just an improvement. But dating you held me back in so many ways, Sam. And I was supposed to be done with all that!" Lily has started pacing again.

"So, what? You broke up with me? You knew I was trying, Lily. I wanted to come out. I wanted it so badly! But I just... couldn't!" We're shouting again. We're fighting. We've never fought before. But it feels good, in a strange way. It feels like we'd been treating our relationship like thin ice; it's almost as if we knew we weren't going to last, but we tried to hold on for as long as we could. And now our relationship is broken. So we're finally letting it all out.

"I thought it was the right thing to do! Everything I said that day was true, Sam. I'd tried to tell you all that before, but you hadn't wanted to hear it. I hadn't wanted to say it. It was the only way I could think to get through to you. I wish I hadn't had to hurt you. But you were hurting me."

"I wasn't trying!"

"That's not the point!"

"Well, what is the point?"

"The point is that we weren't working!"

"I thought we were working just fine!"

"The world doesn't revolve around you!"

"It doesn't revolve around you, either! Did you ever think of that? Did you ever think of me?!" Dead silence. Then:

"Yes, Sam. More than you could ever imagine."

"So why did you hurt me like that?"

"Don't you see? It was the only way!"

"There's never only one way to do things!"

"Well then, what was I supposed to do, if you suddenly know how to fix all of my problems?"