your journal | dnf✔️

three

hi, journal.

i didn't document anything today but i'd call it eventful. so here's me writing some sort of summary about it.

i fucking asked him to be my friend.

yeah. and he said yes.
what kind of dreamland am i in here?
but at the same time it feels like hell.

cause when i lay down and go to sleep, he only runs through my mind. i feel creepy.
i tend to think that what if i'm not ready for love? what if he isn't? you know, what will i do? it's so confusing, it hurts my head.
i can't go a day without him seeping into my mind, and well upfront it doesn't seem bad but in my head these thoughts are tormenting me.
it's tearing me apart.
i'm clinging onto this man so tight and he doesn't even know, i'm thinking of him so romantically and to him, i'm probably just some plaything he made friends with because he's bored.

but is that a clay thing to do? i don't really think so.
yet my mind cannot pry away from that thought and it scares me. what if that's true? or, what if my brain is using him? it feels all too strange, falling in love is supposed to be easy and cute, you're happy to tell your best friend about your crush, you swoon over the person cheesily.
and here's me beating myself up because i, inevitably, fell in love.
god. why can't i just have him? i sound awfully greedy but i'm being honest. i don't want this mess of a feeling, i want to sit comfortably next to him,
or to make a joke without feeling i've upset him,
or to even hug him.
but i'm not there yet am i?
when will i be there?
will i ever?

it's all too jumbled and doesn't make sense anymore.
i'm going to (try to) go to sleep.

yours,
george.