your journal | dnf✔️

six

hi, journal.

i'm scared.
yeah but that's not new is it?
anyways what i'm scared of is dream friend zoning me or just forgetting about me. how would he like me back is what is through my mind. like, he could probably be straight. or not.
but i'm not here to assume, i'm here to complain.
i'm not really sure how to think, he's been getting so close recently which upfront, i don't mind. but it's making me afraid that he might turn his back one day or i might lose him, screw things up, i don't know. the thoughts are endless.
he's been hugging me now whenever one of us has to go. it makes my heart race so fast every single time and it messes with me.

why won't he stop that?
messing with me.
it's like he's bullying me without knowing. in the nicest way possible.
and i hate-love it.
i seriously need to talk to him about it someday.
not yet though.
not before i figure myself out first.
we'll get there, i know it.
even if i end up losing him, i'm not breaking my promise and the whole premise of the stupid journal. god, i hope my therapist is proud.
he probably doesn't care to be fair.
whatever.

okay, okay, it's after school right? dream, this guy is like 'ahaha let me just hold george's hand so he has another big gay panic attack without me knowing! of course.'

so yeah.
oh my god he's hot okay
he's at my house but he's using the restroom.
literally his eyes i think are like green, but regardless they're so pretty to look into, kind of like gazing into a sunset. yknow? like you can't look away type of gaze.
but i feel like i'm stuck in that constantly.
honestly i feel like such a creep writing this stuff. but i guess it's a nice way to compose my feelings.
what if;
now this is dumb but,

what if we like end up getting together and i hold onto this journal. i could show it to him years into the relationship and we could laugh about all the things i've written.

damn it i have small tears in my eyes now, simply cause i know that'll never happen haha.

oh, here he is. so yeah, like usual this past week, he's at my house.
he's tried to peek into the journal a couple of times but i've always pushed it off as literacy.
it seems to work so far.
but oh man, if only he knew the contents of this.
i'd be dead.

well, see you.

yours,
george.

--
"that doesn't look like literacy, bookboy."
george's eyes widened before he quickly shut the book in fear.