your journal | dnf✔️

four

hi, journal.

i think everything is getting slightly clearer but my head still hurts from all of this. i think i'm ruling out that i'm definitely gay, it's just strange for whatever reason to come to terms with.
and it's that strange because i like a guy. and when somebody who is a guy, likes a guy, it's tended to be unusual.
(which by the way is entirely stupid on its own.)
because i can't feel like a high school girl in love with the jock, you know, all her best friends know, the classmates know, this is different.
this is some idiot helplessly in love while somehow trying to deny his feelings and swooning all at once. where he doesn't want to tell anybody because he doesn't want questions asked or he's too scared.

i dunno.

but i guess everything in the friend department is okay.
he's really nice to me which for starters with my life, can be unexpected.
anyway, he sat with me again and we talked about minecraft and literature. i know, nerdy and kinda dumb.
he seems to have things in common with me, he pointed out the one time.
he isn't wrong but you know, sometimes i can't help but imagine, what if he feels like i do?
how do i feel, actually?
how would i explain this?
let's try this;

a boy who can't come to terms with his feelings while also being at terms with them at the same time.

i think that explains a little somehow. i feel in denial but i feel acceptance.

anyways let me get away from that.
i'm in science and he's like 5 desks away from me. i keep sneaking looks at him, i feel guilty for it. i mean, he doesn't notice but he's bound to at some point.
it's so hard to focus on school right now.
if my mother found out why i'm bringing home more homework than usual, doing worse or whatever, i think it'd just be funny to her.
she'd overlook it and not stop to notice how confused i am.
well, i'll  just think of some excuse. like 'i'm tired.' or whatever..

also my friend nick has been watching me write in this from time to time, since we hang out at my house almost everyday. i hope he doesn't see what i'm writing.
i know that once he knows he will not let it go for the life of me, whether i ask the stupid clay block out or not.

this is where i pull this entry to an end,

yours,
george.