Just friends, best friends -Johnnyboy

part twenty five: january (part one)

It's been days since I killed Will. I couldn't tell what I was feeling, or thinking, I had gone completely blank all over. Ronnie and I left for the next town over the same day after dealing with the body. We buried him miles away from the house and disposed of any evidence pointing back to us. I had my reasons, no matter how horrible it sounds to say out loud. I did what had to be done. Ronnie keeps asking questions, but I don't think I have the answers yet, or maybe I'm scared to admit I do know the answers.

"Jan. I have to know, soon, I cant keep helping you if I don't know what i'm fully getting myself into." She said after a while of dealing with it.

I stopped for a moment, I had to think of everything together. I had pieces of what happened and pieces of why I did it but I couldn't fit them together.

"If you want the truth, you have to give me some more time. I'm sorry I just.. it's.. hard." Is what I could give her for now.

The look on her face showed me she was willing to wait and hopefully stay with me. No one had given me that look, the look of 'I'm not going anywhere and i'm here for you' it was comforting. Though she didn't say anything for a while, her thoughts were loud. She's very easy to read, that is, if you know her as well as I do. Like the way she'll stare off into nothing when she's contemplating, or slightly quiver her lip when she's feeling regret. I did know how to read her face, but I really just wanted to hear it from her.

"What are you thinking?" We were walking down a sidewalk, it was dark and the streets flooded with silence.

"I guess.. my dad." She looked up at me.

Her deep blue eyes were glistening in the lights of the lampposts, she was showing regret, regret coming here with Ponyboy.

"I'm sorry. I should have never dragged you down with me. You should go home." I stopped in my tracks in front of her.

"Jan, I'm not going back until you do." She refused.

"What would be so bad in you coming back to Tulsa? I mean no one knows.." She added.

"Johnny and Ponyboy.. they probably hate my guts, and then that means the rest of the gang too." I explained, trying to make my voice less shaky.

"You have me. Always." She held my hand. "If you just explain to them, they'll forgive you, you've known them a long time. They're not just going to give up on you that easy." She used her other hand to tuck her short brown hair behind her ear.

She was right. I had to get my priorities and stories straight, because of what happened, I'm going to lose my best friends.

"I'll go." I agreed.

"Good." She smiled, we continued strolling down the pavement.

We got on the next bus that came. It was around seven. We stepped up in and headed towards the middle of the bus. The doors closed and the engine began again.

I pulled out one of my notebooks, black and white squares on the front in an alternating pattern and written in marker was my name.

I began writing.

This week has been the scariest and most challenging week of my life. I killed someone. Someone had a life, and I tore it out of his hands. He will never get to experience anything again, all because of me, and all because of some stupid plan gone wrong. The fall out of this was losing my two best friends. I regret hurting Johnny more than I regret killing Will. It sounds horrid, but it's true. More true than most things i've said lately. Right now, I'm safe with Ronnie, which is all I could ask for at the moment. It's all I need right now. That and for Johnny and Pony to forgive me. Then things will go back to how they were, how they should be. But if I want this to happen, I have to explain everything to them and give them my most sincere, transparent self. I have to recollect all the details of this week so I can set my story straight. I've forgotten small parts here and there, maybe because I wanted to forget so bad that I actually did. I hope it goes well.

I closed it, burying my face in my hands. It was all too much. I was too young to be in this position. I look over at Ronnie, she's asleep. Had I been writing for that long? It must be eight by now. I slipped my book back into my bag and leaned my head back onto the seat, letting my hair fall all around. I couldn't stop thinking, about anything. It wasn't even just about everything going on, random things related would come up, then I would focus on those and add more stress to myself. I didn't know how to stop, I just wanted a break from my head. I can't take this anymore, the voices are increasing their volume every passing minute. I was interrupted when Ronnie woke up and placed a hand on my leg. My thoughts stopped, it felt amazing.

"You okay?" She looked concerned.

"Yeah." I smiled.

She came closer and gave me a hug, I rested my head on hers and closed my eyes, free from my overthinking momentarily.