Amanda: Is This Love?

chapter 11

*the next morning*
I woke up, made the bed then did my morning routine. After doing my morning routine i wore my robe and went downstairs. I find Zweli still sound asleep, shame man he slept on the couch, he blantly refused when i offered to let him sleep in one of the guest bedrooms.

I get started on preparing breakfast. I make veggie omlettes, bacon, sausages, mushrooms, baked beans, toasted bread and made banana pancakes. He walks into the kitchen just as I'm about to pour a cup of coffee for myself. "Perfect timing" i flash him a smile. "How are you maMthethwa?" I honestly admire how he always treats me with respect even from the way he addresses me.

I set the table and we sit down to eat, he isnt wearing a T shirt and i cannot help it, i keep stealing glances at him. Luckly today he didnt notice because he was so focused on his meal. After breakfast he went upstairs to take a shower while i cleaned up. He came downstairs and sat at the sitting rooming to watch tv. I guess he isnt planning on leaving anytime soon. I take out minced meat from the freezer which I'll prepare for lunch later on. I make a fruit platter then walk to sit with him.

I sit on the one seater couch with my feet up, he's watching "NCIS los angeles" and I'm not much into series so I just scroll through my phone. I remember that i havent spoken to Phile for sometime now. I decide to video call my mum. "Ndeka wam" I smile as my mum appears on the screen, she laughs "ngizok'shaya wena(I'll spank you)" well thats what my dad calls my mum, they've been married for the longest time but they're love is still fresher then ever. They're high school sweethearts, but when Mum was in grade 8, dad was in matric.

"Where's my baby?" I ask, as she is about to respond, Phile is already showing face. "Morning mommy!" Shes her loud self again. "How are you baby? I miss you, I'm bored without you" she now looks sad "I'll come back tomorrow, please ask uncle Zweli to come and visit you so that you wont be bored" trust my child to drag Zweli into this. My mum smiles raising her eyebrow, she knows about Zweli but they've not met and besides Zwe and I aren't even an item.

I spoke to Phile for about 20 minutes, well she did all the talking. After the call, Zwe looks at me with a mischevious smile. I know it has everything to do with the conversation i just had with Phile. "What?!" I throw a cushion at him, he chuckles, "nothing maMthethwa, nothing at all" she says, wiggling her eyebrow. I throw another cushion at him before going upstairs to take a shower.

I change into leggings and a baggy nike hoodie, I'm still wearing my doek. I found him still watching this boring series of his. "This thing of yours is boring" he doesnt even look at me. I take the remote from him he's still sitting on the couch but as I'm about to run off with the remote he pulls me and i fall on his lap, i throw the remote to the other couch then i try to get out of his grip, he has his arms around my waist. I finally slip to sit next to him.

He stares at me for a good 2 minutes and before i could take it all in, his lips crash into mine. I'm motionless, not only do i want to stop this from happening but also i have no idea how to respond. He bits my lower lip and this feels good but that's my cue to pull away. I do so.

"Amanda, what is it?" He asks, he looks a bit frustrated or disappointed i just cannot read his mood right now. "Huh?" I look at him confused, "no what is it, I've been trying so hard for the past couple of months to show you how i feel about you but with all my attempts you just keep shutting me out,what is it? Am i not what you're looking for? Am i not your ideal? Tell me I'll walk away, I'll walk away and I'll never bother you again because this... this hurts" he says all this in a hit of a shout.

I look down, i dont know how to tell him this. "Zweli, i cannot be with you, I'm damaged I'm-" he cuts me off.

"Hey! Now you can reject me thats okay but never ever speak ill of yourself just to get me off your back, you're amazing Amanda, you're perfect, it's just sad that you cannot see yourself through my eyes, i understand that you cannot be with me I'll be out of your way" he says this then stands and grabs his cellphone.

*Zweli's POV*
"i was raped!" I stop in my tracks as she says this, she's in tears now, i was just about to walk out because i thought clearly this woman doesnt want me as her partner. I'm still frozen on the same spot, I'm angry, her sobbs get louder. I walk back the couch and hold her in my arms.

"I was raped, i was raped by a stranger whom i cannot even recall his face, i was raped and Phile was born, eversince that incident, i vowed to never let a man get as close to me as being my lover" she sobbs on my chest and i dont say anything.

I dont know what to say, my past is slowly creeping up, I've also done things in my past that I'm certainly not proud of. Remember when i said i had to avenge myself for what Lethabo and Spha did to me?. Well Spha was my best friend and finding out that my best friend impregnanted my girlfriend made me furious.

I drank and found comfort in drugs, I kept thinking of a way to make Spha pay for this, one evening at i was walking back from getting a fix(drugs), i was drunk and intoxicated, i pumped into a lady who came out of the same church that Spha was a youth leader in. He said he had his eyes on someone, and the person he decribed was certainly everything that the lady that was walking alone at night looked like. My intoxicated mine told me that if i could get a piece of that lady then I'd even things out with Spha. I followed the lady and she seemed terrified. I had no weapon with me and i knew i was taking chances. I walked up to her and instructed her to walk with me without causing a scene. She obeyed without even protesting, that alone turned me on because I've always had a thing for submissive woman.

I led her to an abandoned building and i did as i pleased. Her cries and pleas seemed to fuel me even more because according to what my friends used to tell me from their experiences was that if she cries then she must really be enjoying it. I left her there when i was finally satisfied.

The next morning my demons came to haunt me when i woke up with blood stains all over my pants and underwear. Everything came flashing back. I'm a rapist, i forced myself into an innocent young woman, I'm evil. I spent  months looking for this lady. I knew nothing about her,all that i knew was that she went to the same church as Spha, i would stand at the church gate whenever there were services hoping that I'd somehow spot her. Until one day the pastor invited me in to attend a service. On that day they spoke about forgiveness, one that day I recieved my salvation and the pastor had an altercall for all those that need special prayers. I prayed that God forgives me and that one day I'd crosspaths with the lady and ask for forgiveness to her. Until this day i have no idea who she is.

Now when Amanda told me that she is a rape victim, it triggered this, I feel the need to do right by her, i want to be a better man for her and for the lady i did wrong, i want to be a changed man because thats what Amanda and any other woman who has gone through this deserves.

"I'm damaged Zwe, you dont deserve me" she says still in my arms but she's much calmer now. "If only you knew,this has just made me fall for you even more, I'm sorry you had to go through that, I'm sorry you had to feel so much pain and i undertand that you cannot tell me all the details now but all I'm asking is that you let me in, let me love you, let me show you that not all men are out to hurt you, I just want to make you experience real genuine love, please Amanda, let me in"

She doesn't say anything. She just stays in my arms and this feels right, i want to protect her even more now, I dont want anything to ever hurt her or even Phile.