Amanda: Is This Love?

chapter 19

*2 weeks later*
Its been 2 weeks since the visit to KZN. I booked plane tickets for Phile and I while Zwe was upset so instead of driving us to the airport he asked Zande and Alwa to accompany us.

Things have been rather off between Zweli and I, he calls Phile on her phone and only occasionally sends me messages. My parents found out about our visit to KZN and my dad is really upset with me while my mum is just so disappointed. I'm alone at home since Phile went to visit my parents and i ditched the girls trip so they left without me. Since I'm alone i got a chance to do a whole lot of thinking. What happens if this is actually Zweli's way of leaving me? Does this mean that I'll have 2 kids with different fathers both fatherless?

I know you probably think that i can afford raising both kids on my own but I'd also love for my kids to grow up in an environment where both parents are present. I really miss having Zweli around but clearly he wants his space.

I spent the rest of the day watching romantic movies with sad endings while stuffing my face with junk food. My birthday was 3 days ago, I'm officially 27 years old, but disadvantages of being a December baby, most of the people forget about your birthday.

I'm feeling really lonely so I decide to pack an overnight bag and drive to my parents house. I change into leggings and a baggy hoody, wore my slippers and tied a headwrap over my hair. I drive out, well i find myself actually driving to Zwe's place, maybe it's because of how much i miss him or maybe my heart just needs to find closure and find out what's really been going on.

I get there and his car is parked outside. I walk in and knock but no one answers so i let myself in. I find him in the sitting room sitting on his recliner couch. He is stuttled when he sees me walk in. He sits up "Amanda, Hi" I briefly smile at him while taking a seat.

"Zwe what's really going on?" Well I'm not one to beat around the bush, especially when I've spent sometime overthinking about a situation I'll simply just lay it all on you. "What are you talking about?" He asks. I keep quiet. He moves from his one seater then comes and sits next to me. He holds my hands into his. "Look Amanda..." oh so I'm Amanda now? Strange.

"I've been meaning to talk to you about us, I know I've been acting like a coward but i couldnt face you, I really dont think that you and I are compatible, I'm attracted to you in every way but i need someone who will be able to stand their ground and not run away when the going gets tough. I love you trust me i really do but i feel that we are just not cut out for each other" my tears fall involuntarily.

I was hoping that he'd apologize and we'd fix things but he's actually breaking my heart, Zweli just broke up with me while I'm 4 months pregnant with his child. Maybe my dad was right about him.

He tries to kiss me and i know he's trying to score some break up sex, all along i haven't said anything. I pull away from his kiss, wipe my tears and leave. As soon as i get into my car I switch off my cellphone. When i finally get to my estate, i tell the security guys not to allow any of my visitors in.

I walk into the house and suddenly it feels empty, or is it the emptiness that i feel inside of me? I just went straight into my bedroom and cried myself to sleep.

The next morning I woke up, took a shower and got dressed in leggings and a simple top. I got downstairs and prepared breakfast for myself and tried watching tv but that didnt help either. I switch on my phone. You know when you go through your phone after a break up and you are just hoping to come across a text from him saying that he is sorry and didnt mean any of what he said? Yep thats me right now. As I go through my phone i notice there's no notification with Zweli's name. I cry yet again.

*Zweli's POV*
When Amanda and I went home i had already told my dad that i think Phile is mine. I told him everything and he was really upset and disappointed in me. I took them home so i can introduce Amanda to my parents but that went south when dad apparently insulted her. She left on the same day and that to me shows disrespect.

But what happened in Durban has nothing to do with the break up. I'm being a coward, I'm running away from facing the fact that Phile is mine, how will i one day tell my daughter that I raped her mother and she was born?

I love Amanda and the kids but this is honestly what's best for the both of us. She deserves an honest man, I'm nothing close to honest. I've been drinking since we got back, i feel bad that in that process i forget about her birthday, Ma has also been pestering me that i need to do right by the Mthethwas and pay damages. I'm honestly tired of hearing people giving opinions about what i should and should not do. This is my life after all.

I'm going through my cellphone gallery and there's a lot of pictures of myself, Phile and Amanda. I miss them but its for the best.

*Amanda's POV*
Its evening now and i cannot tell you how many times I've had to stop myself from calling Zwe. I miss him and I'm having a tough time accepting the break up. But clearly he meant it and him and i are through.