Amanda: Is This Love?

chapter 22

It's been the best year of my life, my baby is turning 1 year in a couple of weeks and I've never been happier. Buhle has brought so much joy in our home. Ngiphile enjoys being an older sister and Ma'Martha has been an amazing babysitter. I've stopped breast feeding and now he is on formula milk since I'm back at work.

Buhle is so lively, such a happy baby. I'm at work sitting in my office looking at a picture of Ngiphile and Buhle, they had fallen asleep on my bed. This picture here on my desk reminds me just how much i should work harder for these 2 rascals of mine. I'm thinking of enrolling to do my PhD in marketing but only as soon as Buhle turns 2.

Well Buhle's dad has never made means to see him and I'm okay with that, I've raised Ngiphile practically on my own so i can also do the same with Buhle. I posted a picture of myself with my kids which we took over the weekend when we went to the zoo, I'm reminded about this because I've just recieved a notification on my phone letting me know that "Zande Nkosi Mbatha" commented on my picture.

When i went into my facebook i also notice that there's an inbox, its a message from Zande,this is strange. "Hi Amanda, i hope you are good, we have been trying to get ahold of you for a week now, may you kindly drive down to hammersdale, Zweli isnt feeling well and the family has requested that you come together with the kids" i read this message 3 times before it actually registers that Zwe isnt in good health.

Now a part of me wants to ignore this and move on with my life but truth is even if Zwe and i are no longer together he still holds my heart and Buhle would one day grow up and need a father figure,unlike Phile, him having his dad around would mean a lot.

I go over to HR office and sign 10 days leave. I drive home in my white range rover Evoque, yes i finally bought it!. I got home and started packing immediately with ma'Martha assisting me. I had to beg her not to tell my parents that i went to Durban. Its finally 14h30 and we fetch Phile from school before driving off with ma'Martha, well I'll need her assistance obviously since I'm driving for about 6 hours to durban.

We get to durban at 11, Phile is fast asleep and Buhle is restless. We park outside the yard. Ma'Martha walks in with Phile and Buhle while i take out our luggage. Sifiso comes out to assist me with the luggage. We walk in and it seems everyone is asleep already. He gives me the key to Zwe's room and ma and Phile will be sleeping inside the main house. I take Buhle with me. When we get to Zwe's room, I bath Buhle then feed him there after he falls asleep.

I couldnt sleep, I'm honestly worried about what is it thats bothering Zwe, he isnt even here so it must be something serious, he's probably in hospital.

I woke up the next morning, i guess my overthinking finally put me to sleep. Buhle is still fast asleep next to me which is weird because this child wakes up at 6 and now it's 8h40. I use this time to take a shower. Change to a simple skirt and a blouse with flipflops.

Now i cannot leave Buhle here because he'll cry when he wakes up alone in an unfamilar place. I sit and watch TV as i wait for him to get up. He finally wakes up at 9h30. I bathe him, dressed him up in denim shorts, and a simple t shirt.

We went into the main house and found Phile having breakfast with the other kids. Alwa handed me Buhle's food and we went into the sitting room. We found Zweli's parents sitting there. "Sanbonani" they both greet back. "Sowubona mfana,woza kumkhulu(hi boy boy, come to granddad)" Now Buhle is nothing like Phile, he's a people's person, he even laughs with strangers at the mall.

He goes into his grandfathers hands. He even offers to feed him so Alwa hands me my porridge instead. "Makoti, we have a long trip to kwanongoma today..." Zwe's dad says, I'm not even paying attention to everything else that he has said, I'm now trying to register why this man here called me Makoti and why all of a sudden is he being nice to me?

After breakfast I prepared our things and we drove down in seperate cars, this time Alwa joined us in my car. We arrived kwanongoma and according to what Alwa told me, this is where Baba's second wife together with her sons live.

We get there and Buhle gets restless. I try to hush him but my attempts seem to fail. We walk in and we all go to maZungu's house. When we got there bab'Ndlovu asks to speak to me in private. "I need to take you to see Zweli, he needs to see you, he'll probably feel better" he says, I'm still puzzled as to what really must be bothering Zwe because no one has spoken about it.

We walk to the far end of the yard where there's a rondavel. We take off our shoes and walk in. My heart breaks at the sight in front of me, Zweli has sores on his body. He looks like he's in so much pain. I'm at the verge of breaking down. There's another man in here, based on how he's dressed, he must be a traditional healer. "maMthethwa"Zwe calls out for me, almost as if he is out of breath. I walk closer to him and he held my hand, then a tear drops from his eyes. He lets out a slight smile when he sees Buhle in my arms.

"I'm sorry Amanda" he says in a faint voice. "We will give you space, do the right thing Gatsheni" the traditional healer says before walking out with Zwe's dad, he took Buhle with him and in all honesty in the state that Zweli is in, I'm scared to be left alone with him.

"What happened to you Zweli" i ask with tears flowing down my eyes "umlilo wabapansi(its the range of the anscestors)" he says,I'm confused, "the Mthethwas are angry" he says before letting out a faint cough. "I'm sorry maMthethwa"

*Narrated*
Amanda walks over to sit on the edge of the bed that Zweli is laying on. She's still a bit shaken by the sight in front of her but she doesnt want to show it.

Zwe goes on to telling Amanda why the anscestors are furious. He starts confessing to her about what he did to her years ago, Amanda cries and shakes her head in disbelieve, she is refusing to believe that Zweli is the one that deflowered her in the most violent way, she refuses to believe that the same man that mended her broken heart happens to be the same man who broke it. She refuses to believe that the love of her life is a rapist.

She wants to walk out, leave and never look back, but a part of her wants to ask him why? She wants to understand why he would do this to her because there's no way someone would inflict pain on another with no ulterior motive.

Zweli is also in tears, he suddenly feels disgusted by himself, he hates himself for causing pain to the only woman that he ever loved. He hates himself for abandoning his own kids because of his coward ways.

Amanda gets all the answers to her questions, she gets that this had nothing to do with her but was Zweli's way of settling a score with his friend. This is what breaks her apart even more, Zweli did this for his own selfish ways, all these years Amanda thought that it was because of how she was dressed, how she walked or simply just how she was out at night when she was supposed to be home. She breaks down yet again, now it comes out as more of loud sobbs filled with anger and resentment, she suddenly feels so much hate towards Zweli, she feels so much hate for this man who was once the love of her life.

Is this love? Will she ever heal from this? Will she ever be able to see Zweli the same way again?...