i think i love you • matthew healy

28. matty

i had left my phone in my room the whole time ollie and i were at the rooftop.

we must have been there for quite awhile, because when we finally get back down to the flat, i find that my phone is blowing up with all sorts of messages and missed calls.

adam

- rhian you home???

- you're sleeping aren't you? 

- pick up your phone please 

george

- hey are u okay?

- rang you twice and no one's picking up

- matty needs u asap

ross

- rhian darling i don't know what's going on but i think matty needs to talk to you

- like right now maybe

- is right now a good idea

- just ring him up okay i reckon he's been meaning to reach you

matty

- hi. are you there?

there are about fifteen missed calls from matty.

at that, my body starts to feel warm and nervous, and i find myself sitting on the floor because everything is starting to get real dizzy. 

"would you like a glass of wine?" i hear ollie call out from the kitchen as i'm staring at my phone, my fingers slightly trembling at the copious amount of messages that must mean something is terribly wrong. 

it's sad, really, that at this point i can only associate matty's attention to me for when something is wrong with him. 

"no... no thank you." i let out, hoping ollie hears me because at the moment i don't have the energy for anything else.

this must be another overdose, could it? is he alone in his home? could he be at jamie's? 

i suppose, seeing the guys' texts, they haven't left matty. i guess that's a relief knowing he's not alone. besides, i don't think they would want to leave him alone at this point. matty's like a ticking time bomb.

and i feel like i haven't got enough time. 

my phone starts ringing again, and my hands are shaking so much that i almost drop it to the floor. matty's contact is flashing onscreen, but this couldn't possibly be him, could it? what if this is george, or his girlfriend, probably, telling me about another OD that's even worse than the ones before?

"hi, rhian?"

matty.

i feel like my chest had just dropped a couple hundred feet. 

"matty." i mumble under my breath, hot tears prickling my cheeks. "uhm, are you alright? i... george and ross and adam, they've--they've been texting me and i left my phone and..."

i hate that i'm a crier.

"are you okay, matty?" i ask. at this point nothing else matters except wanting to know if he's okay.

"rhian," matty says my name again, he sounds breathless and desperate and for a moment i think what if he's dying and--oh my god, i wouldn't know what to do if matty's gone. "i know--i know this is fucking stupid, and i'm really sorry, i've been calling you and you weren't picking up and--fuck it. listen. are you listening to me?"

the sound of the pouring rain is so loud i can barely make out what he just said. 

"yeah." i choke out. "yeah, matty, could you--could you please tell me what's going on please?"

"i need to see you." he says, his voice shaking. "i'm... i'm outside, and i hope this is the right address, it's raining so fucking hard i can't see a thing, and it's really cold, and..." 

matty sighs. 

"i'm here." he says. "i need to see you."