i think i love you • matthew healy

2. milk

i have no idea what to do with the thoughts in my head creeping back in unauthorised.

the next afternoon alice had asked me to come with her and do the groceries, so i finished my test in uni quite early then hopped on the train to meet up with her around lunch.

my head is aching like mad from last night, and i can hardly remember the amount of time we spent trying to figure out how to properly fuck in his car. i ended up going home at sunrise and i felt terrible.

i still feel terrible. a bit more terrible now, actually.

there's a pit in my stomach and i can't seem to ignore it even though alice is currently reciting to me her grocery list that she typed on her phone.

"eggs, a bottle of wine, cheese... rhiannon, could you be a darling and go back to the aisle where they stock the eggs please? i forgot to get a dozen when we passed by."

i sigh. "okay."

the egg aisle's a bit far, so i take the time to reflect on whatever shit is going on in my head as well as pick up some items alice had forgotten to list down on her phone, such as bread.

just as i'm about to get a loaf of bread sitting on the mid shelf, someone calls out my name.

"you're rhiannon, aren't you?"

she looks about my age but definitely prettier, much more defined features than i could ever have. bleached pixie hair, deep brown eyes, her mascara's smudged and she looks like she just took off from a wild party and haven't thought of a shower.

too much mascara.

probably from uni.

"yeah. are you in my class?" i ask, trying to figure out if i've seen her anywhere.

"no, i just see your face around online." she shrugs.

i don't have any social media apart from instagram, which i don't really use as often as other people do. i have about less than 100 followers at most and had switched to private a couple of months ago.

"you used to be matty's girlfriend, weren't you? people on twitter have this discussion on whether or not you've broken up, in case you haven't seen." she takes out her phone from her pocket, then pauses. "i mean, it's none of my business really, i just saw you and—i'm sorry, i'm pretty sure i'm still a bit drunk from last night."

she actually looks nice despite coming off as nosy, but to be frank, if i were her i would probably have done the same.

"no, it's okay." i smile softly at her. "uh, yeah. we used to date. i'm in college so we took some time apart, and he's been quite busy."

i wonder if she is actually hanging onto my shitty explanation.

truth is things were tough so i completely ditched him at such a crucial time in his life where i should have been there. i'm a fucking coward and haven't spoken to him or the guys since. i'm in college and i fucking hate it but this is the only thing i have that actually makes me feel normal and sane, you know?

from the looks of it she looks convinced. "oh, that's so unfortunate, i'm so sorry. the people on twitter have been pretty mean and assuming things about you—"