i think i love you • matthew healy

4. paintings

happy birthday matty x

—

matty's pov

she shouldn't be here.

the silence in the room is so fucking loud it's almost deafening.

when i got out of rehab a year ago the first thing i did was to find her. i called and called, i didn't sleep, i was out and about driving until it came to my senses that she didn't want to be found.

so i made music. george and i went back to work and made songs until my ears bled and my throat gave out and we spent the following weeks conceptualising and polishing up sound production until we settled for i like it when you sleep for you are so beautiful yet so unaware of it.

jamie had us promote, then we went on tour. consistently. for months.

every night we did a show. in the mornings we'd do interviews. we stayed in hotels with bars overlooking the city. we'd always get recognised when we step outside. it was mental.

the past seemed alien to me. i never got peace with it, but everything happened so fucking fast that i didn't have to.

i met up with gabby one night when we did a show down in melbourne, where she lived. by the end of the night she was in my hotel room and i hated it. i hated how lonely i was.

rhiannon was gone for a year. a complete fucking year and she never said anything. for months i wanted her to show up, for months that was all i fantasised about.

i feel like i'm going mad. i want to fucking yell.

—

rhiannon

this was a mental idea.

he's sitting right across me in his dining area, smoking, his eyes staring at the wooden floor.

"would you like tea or coffee, rhian?" george calls out from the kitchen, literally the only sound that breaks the god-awful silence sitting in this room.

i glance at matty, who still hasn't looked at me.

"tea, please, thank you." i say.

he's completely changed his look.

maybe it's because of the interview he did but at this point i'm in no place to assume. he's clad in this white crocheted blouse and black trousers, his chest tattoo peeking through. his black nail polish is chipping off, and he's gone a bit overboard with the giant silver rings on his fingers.

gabby's probably naked in his room waiting for him to get rid of me so they could fuck. it's a good thing she had the right mind to stay in there, because if i see her i might just fucking hang myself at this point.

did george really not know? i don't think he'd do something as awful as this. he knew what i went through. he drove all the way to eunice's house on my birthday in an attempt to relieve the immense pain in my chest when matty cheated on me with her.

my chest tightens. you're not mine anymore, and it's my fault.

"your flat's lovely." i say quietly, tapping my fingers on his wooden table nervously.

matty looks at me, even with his eyes smudged with black eyeliner he looks incredibly bored. "thank you."

we both go quiet again.

george comes back with two piping hot mugs of tea. "this should warm you up, it's fucking cold out."

"thank you." i mutter as he hands me over the red mug.