i think i love you • matthew healy

24. silence

a/n: okay i know u guys don't care as much but i'm really sorry for not updating in 3 (???) months. this hasn't been getting any reads lately and i've been trying to find the inspo to write. lol anyways i hope this year's treating you well, i'm going through some shit lately but like all things, it would all be alright xx

-----

a lot of things suck.

weird enough, being sat on an uncomfortably damp grass next to my father's dusty grave isn't one of them.

i had introduced matty to him—or matty introduced himself, which was strange, because i know for a fact that matty's quite an intense atheist and doesn't believe in the afterlife, so him speaking to a large piece of rock was quite amusing to watch.

right now i'm looking at him, trying to see past his greasy-looking curls, and he's lighting up his second cigarette, his jaw all clenched and his eyelashes softly touching the dark tired circles under his eyes.

it makes him age 10 years older, but i smile at him like a tipsy idiot anyway.

"i think my dad would've hated you." i say. 

matty inhales the smoke deeply in his chest, some of it coming out of his nostrils. he smirks at me, like that's his only answer.

"i mean... i wouldn't have really met you if it weren't for him, you know, dying." i chuckle. "because that's how my mum fell into this deep dark pit of evil. completely disowning and hurting her own daughter, you know?"

i reach out to touch a portion of his damp curls, twirling it gently around my finger.

"i wouldn't have met you if only i were loved." i find myself saying.

matty shoots me a glance. i frown at him. 

"stop looking at me like that." i mumble awkwardly, shuffling my damp boots on the grass.

i feel his fingers gently touch my cheek as he's tucking my stray hair behind my ear. 

"i want you to know that i see so much of myself in you." matty says quietly, studying my face intently.

his fingers are lingering below my ear, his thumb gently caressing my jaw as i'm trying to process what he had just said. but only thing is on my mind at this moment.

"i love you." i blurt out, instantly regretting it. 

but matty doesn't say it back. 

of course he won't. 

he goes quiet, smiling softly at me as if he's sorry. like it's an apology he wouldn't say. 

the worst and best thing about being with matty is the silence.

the way we don't have to say anything, and how most times, that in itself is enough. 

but not now. how i badly want him to talk right now.

"rhiannon, i--"

his phone just has to fucking ring right now, doesn't it?

he takes it out of his pocket and hesitates for a moment before answering the call.

matty clears his throat loudly.

"hi, love."

i close my eyes shut.

"erm... yeah. i'm--i'm still with george... yeah."

i wonder how soon it would take for the rain to start pouring again.

"i'll come home soon, don't worry... i love--"

matty finally glances at me, but looks down on the ground just as fast.

"i love you too."

he ends the call. we sit in silence for what seems like forever.

i start contemplating what it would be like if the dead could hear. my dad would probably be yelling at me for being a total idiot. for being like him. but maybe this is how love should really be: fucking painful.

"rhiannon..." matty lets out again,  like it's the hardest thing on earth to say.

i look down on my loosely-tied boots, careful not to cry.

"rhiannon, darling--look at me, will you?"

i take a deep shaky breath and finally turn to him. 

"you're just completely fucked up, matty, did you know that?" i grasp a part of matty's coat with my trembling hand, finally feeling anger in the pit of my stomach. i drop my hands away from him, trying to get myself to look at his eyes again, but all i could do is look down on his feet. "i'm not your fucking charity case, i'm not someone from your past you could scrape up and fucking toy with."

he nods quietly. "i'm...so sorry."

"be honest with me, please--" i inhale sharply, i can feel hot tears streaming down my cheeks again. "do... do you really love her, matty?" my voice breaks at the last word.

i look up to see him shaking his head.

"then how come--"

"because i'm fucking scared, rhiannon, alright?" matty bursts out, making me flinch. "i'm fucking terrified that if i end things with my girlfriend, i'd get too close to you and fucking lose you again. i'm incredibly fucked up, you're incredibly delicate and i... i figured if i could keep you at a safe distance you'd still be mine. because fucking hell, i can't afford to hurt you, rhian. not this time."

matty clenches his jaw, then throws his cigarette to the ground. 

i realise my fingers have been grasping tightly on the grass the entire time.

i'm going mad in my own head.

"in a way, gabby makes me feel like a normal... less neurotic person." by the end of the sentence he gets more quiet.

i can only nod.

for a moment i want to tell him i had felt the same thing about george. but i don't love him. the same way matty doesn't love her. 

whatever.

"i wish i wasn't so scared." i hear him whisper to himself.

or maybe to my dad. 

god, he would have hated matty. 

i wish i could hate matty.