i think i love you • matthew healy

18. euphoria

matty

i should never have done what i did.

all of it.

the immense guilt begins to creep in with each passing second of being awake and alone, and despite the throbbing headache at the back of my head, i can't brush off the feeling that i may have almost fucking died. again.

i could have died in my fucking car the moment i got behind the wheel and drove to jamie's in the middle of the night. i barely even remember how i did it. all i know is i wouldn't stop crying even as i entered his home.

hell, i could have died the moment i felt the short but sweet euphoria from having done three lines on my kitchen table. it felt short so i took more.

but fucking hell, was it sweet.

at the time it didn't matter. now all i feel is regret.

george is the first person i'd seen when i'd woken up. he has that look on his face... i could hardly tell if he's gotten any sleep at all.

"back from the dead, healy." he had chuckled darkly.

i frowned at him. "well you look shit."

"yeah, well..."

george had that look on his face. i can't tell what it is.

"who else is around?" i'd asked while george proceeded to hand me the glass of water by the bedside table. my mouth was fucking parched.

"everyone really." he replied. "rhiannon's worried sick about you."

the water had stopped midway down my throat.

"where... where is she?"

"i reckon she's having a smoke."

"you mean to tell me she's here?"

"yeah." george had taken the half-empty glass from me. "she'd been here since last night."

george then left the room to look for her, and it's been a few minutes and all i can think of is how, at the time of me relapsing and getting fucked up, she was all i have been thinking about.

i never meant to have rhiannon worry. to be honest, i only did what i did because i want her.

i only want her.

my heart jumps at the sound of the door squeaking open. for a moment i barely recognise her, it's the hair, and the black hood over her head.

but i regonise those flushed cheeks. those tired storm-blue eyes. her lips are pale and quivering, and right now i just want to cry.

"hi." my voice croaks, and i smile but it comes out weak. rhiannon pulls the hood down away from her face, and without warning, crashes on top of me. she's so light that she's barely crushing anything.

my chest feels fucking heavy though, but not for that reason.

"i-" she inhales sharply, i can feel her lips resting on my collarbone. "i thought you were going to die, matty."