i think i love you • matthew healy

17. morning

i'm tired.

more tired than i've usually been.

i couldn't sleep, fortunately ross and adam had come around right before sunrise. george must have told them.

for breakfast we went for a drive to the nearest breakfast place.

it's around 6 in the morning at this point, and almost everyone had not slept well judging from the silence occurring on the table.

there's also the uncertainty of matty that we are all quietly thinking about—his mental health. his addiction. his career. him.

but no one really talked about him since this morning. we'd been too tired.

i find myself staring at my bowl of bland-looking noodle soup with a few vegetables floating around.

"you okay, rhian?" adam asks me from across the table

what a rather stupid question to ask, honestly.

"not really, no." i mutter, smiling a little anyway.

i know none of us are okay, to be frank.

jamie begins talking about his daughter and how he's been wanting to get a dog for her this christmas, but i doubt anyone's even listening. i know he just wants to kill the silence. it's fucking deafening after all.

but right now i just want to drown out the noise.

—

"hey."

we had gotten back to jamie's an hour later, and while everyone went to his office—to discuss things about the band i suppose—i had gone out to have a smoke.

i hear the voice and turn around to see george again. my chest tightens at the sight of him.

he smiles gently.

"hey." i mumble as i exhale the smoke from my mouth. i stare at the foggy morning sky, my hands digging deep in my coat pockets.

i hear george take out a cigarette from his pack and lighting it up. we're alone and it's cold, and i know it's been cold in london the past couple of weeks but there's something about this morning that feels a bit more chilly in particular.

i want to say a lot of things. i want to apologise, i want to tell him i probably didn't mean what i said, or that i probably meant it, but just not in that way, or that i couldn't possibly articulate what i'm feeling and how it's been that way from the start, and i fucking hate it, and i want to quit dragging him or anyone into this mess...

instead i lean my head on george's shoulder. the thoughts begin to quiet down. it's like they were swimming before, now they've gone completely still.

"he's awake." george says abruptly. "you should go see him."

i turn my head to look at him. "matty's awake?"

"yeah." he smiles softly, but his eyes look tired and miserable and it just gives it away. "he's... he's looking for you."

my chest starts flooding with warmth. i never thought matty would ever look for me.

"thank you." i whisper to george. without even thinking, i step forward and give him an embrace. "thank you." i say again.

matty.

matty's awake. and he's looking for me.

suddenly everything starts to feel okay again.

—

george

i wish that lasted longer.

i liked the warmth of her around me.

even if she's not mine, even if she'll never be.

i like to think that i had her, at least for a few seconds.

—

a/n: i love writing for you guys. literally the only thing i want is for you to feel something—anything— through my stories, that alone is enough for me to keep writing honestly. so thank you for showing up to read :)

also, thank you for getting "takes a bit more" to #1 and this story to #2 <3 xx