i think i love you • matthew healy

14. drowning

alex had come around for breakfast the next morning.

which is strange because i haven't spoken to him in over a week, though i know it's probably because he's been busy with his own classes, meanwhile i haven't really got the time to think about my own.

he looks like he's barely slept.

"you like blueberry pancakes, rhiannon?" he asks while ollie starts cracking two eggs into a bowl.

i nod a little, yawning. it's too early.

alice is still in her room, probably asleep.

when i had gotten back last night, i could hear her and ollie arguing in their bedroom, and i don't know how long that lasted. i was too tired.

ollie doesn't look physically hurt now that i'm observing him. although he looks like he hasn't gotten any sleep either.

alex hands me over a mug of coffee before coming to sit next to me, his knit sweater feeling rough against my cold skin.

"you look awful." he chuckles, as if i don't already know.

i frown. "it's far too early, alex."

"listen, rhiannon..." alex glances at ollie who's got his back turned on us as he's cooking pancakes. "i honestly didn't want to wake you, but someone sent me a photo last night and i just had to come here."

i feel my throat turn dry, because i already know what he's about to show me.

on his phone is a photo of me and george in the restaurant last night.

"where'd you get that?" my voice comes out small. matty must have already seen it if it's on twitter or something. my heart is beating so fucking loud.

"a guy in my class went to the same restaurant." he answers.

thank god.

"yeah, uh... that's me." i bite my lip. "that's george. he's... he's in a band, i'm not sure if you've heard of them."

"'fcourse i've heard of the 1975." alex starts shaking his head like it's a stupid thing to say. "you're seeing him then?"

i stare at the stagnant black coffee in my mug. about time to tell him the truth—i owe it to him. "not really." i mumble. "i mean, his best friend used to be my boyfriend."

i should not have said it like that.

alex is looking at me like he doesn't even know me. "are you serious?"

"yeah, i mean it's honestly not a big deal—"

stop lying.

"does your ex-boyfriend know about it?"

stop lying.

"no." i exhale, thinking of matty, who is probably too busy to even think of anything. "i don't... i don't think he does."

ollie seems to know what's going on because he's left the room hurriedly after turning the burner off.

"wow." alex lets out, leaning back on alice's cheap green dining chair, his chiseled jaw all clenched.

"i'm sorry i didn't tell you sooner." i say awkwardly. "i mean, i was supposed to, i just couldn't find the right time—"

"i thought the sex meant something."

fucking hell.

"not only did it mean nothing to you, but all this time you've been keeping a shit ton of secrets from me."

"alex, i was about to tell you—"

i stop mid-sentence. he shakes his head like he knows me, and the look in his eyes convince me that maybe he does.

"i knew you were never going to."

he does.

alice suddenly comes out of her room in the worst timing possible, smiling from ear to ear.

"alex sweetheart, lovely for you to come by!"

"i was just about to leave." he grumbles, running his fingers through his dark brown hair.

i can't get myself to tell him to stay, in my head i know it's just right for him to leave.

the door shuts behind him and alice frowns at the plate of burnt-looking blueberry pancakes on the table.

"he sounded tired." she says, pointing to the door where he had stormed off.

i can feel myself drowning in my thoughts.

"he is." i say.