The Abandoned Empress

Chapter 12

Well, good. God, as you promised to give me a gift while saying my fixed fate will stay the course, I would like to see how great it is. I'm going to use that reward to break my fate that never changes.

"Okay, let me receive your gift. I don't want to call you God. I will never regard you as God. I won't thank you because you have already unjustly taken too many things from me. I now realize that there is no God who loves all things fairly. "

There was a long silence between them. Maybe God was angry at me. The god I believed in was infinitely merciful, clear about punishment and reward, and just, but I knew already that there was no such God.

<Are you angry with me because I said something that rubbed you the wrong way? Then, what is the difference between God and humans?> The moment I was about to burst into laughter, I heard a horse's neighing in my mind.

<You are the one who receives my attention and refuses your destiny. The way you go is your destiny, and what you want is your way. Your name is Aristia Peony La Monique, a pioneer of destiny.>

The white space surrounding me began to disappear quickly. When I closed and opened my eyes quickly, I found myself sitting in a small prayer room.

***

I was abandoned by the man I thought was my partner, ignored by the masters who raised me as the first lady of the empire, and condemned by the beloved people as a bad woman then deserted by even God.

Although he never treated me warmly, I wholeheartedly served and loved him. Although I was treated as his concubine, not queen, I tried to live according to the master's teachings. Even if I was condemned as a bad woman, I didn't hate the people.

The reason God has given these trials was because he wanted to train me. God only knows I braved through all the difficulties and hardship even though I wanted to give up everything because I was so lonely. I thought that as God loved and cared for all things fairly, God would reward me with a better gift...

But the god I met said that I was not his blessed child, but a substitute for another woman, adding that I had to accept this because it was my fate.

I had to train and better myself until late every night to become a girl who suited him. Even without complaining about my hardship, I sobbed alone many days at night when everybody went to sleep. Even though I wanted to give it up as a bad job because I hurt and felt sad, I spent many days just putting up with it silently. But all my time and energy I spent until now became useless the moment God said I was not the emperor's designated partner from the beginning.

My desperate efforts throughout all those years came to nothing.

I was upset because I felt I was totally denied. After realizing that the god I believed in and relied on so far was an illusion, I became hopeless. I shivered with betrayal.

Now that I was done with everything, an unbearable extreme emptiness filled my mind.

What have I lived for? What is the value of my existence? Who am I?

I...

Somewhere in my heart waves of despair crashed. A black sea through which no light penetrated and towering black waves swept me away.

***

"...Ah." I heard someone's voice breaking the silence.

"... Ah!" What the heck is this? It's so noisy.

"Tia! "

Leave me alone

"Tia!"

Don't call me. Don't look for me. Anyway, I was nothing. Why are you bugging me? Just leave me alone. Don't want anything more from me.