Dark Lust

Chapter Six

Chapter Six

I don't know how much longer I can do this. All the strength I can muster has been defeated by Mike and my hopes of breaking away are completely demolished. Although I still pray that the Mike I've always known is buried deep inside this stranger who has me now, I can feel myself caving into dark depths of a place I've only rarely seen in my head. Once I fall back there, I don't believe I'll ever be able to come back around. Every part of me feels so painful.

My body is suffering terribly from not being fed, dehydration, loss of energy and strength, and consuming the drugs being forced back into my body. Not to mention the injuries I've suffered from the rapes or my mental state. I can just feel myself falling apart.

Sam must think I'm completely insane by this point. I wanted to stay with my best friend who raped me and murdered my wife. I don't believe she understands my loyalty towards Mike. He's taken a life and took over my own as well but he also saved mine.

I couldn't believe they accepted me into the band. Sure, I took pride in my voice but to be chosen amongst others who also shared my passion and hopes was a complete surprise to me. I wish I had told them about my problems before they completely accepted me but I was afraid they'd kick me out and my dreams would be crushed.

I've been looking into bands to join since my last broke up. This specific band seemed to be the most promising and not full of alcoholics or drug addicts. Five other men who were clear of any sin or negative actions were about to be corrupted by me; The complete opposite.

Mike seemed to take me under his wing. The others seemed to look to him as a guide and having him in this band was a complete relief. He knew what he was doing and loved doing it. I respected him from the first moment we talked. Although he was quite childish then than he is now, he still had my completely respect.

We bonded quickly and became best friends in what felt like a rush. We began spending every waking minute with one another and shared almost everything. I hadn't confessed to Mike anything from my past but I did share my current conflicts with drugs and drinking. He was so understanding, I couldn't believe it.

"You confuse me." I mused, watching Mike begin to write music seriously. We had been acting like children for the past few hours and then he suddenly flipped and tore into his lyric book, pouring out words onto the paper that he wouldn't let me see.

"And why's that?" He asked, his eyes not tearing away from the notebook. Even if he was busy, he'd respond to me. That's just the way Mike was. It felt as though anything he did wasn't as important as I was but he quickly learned to better multitask so he could work and talk to me at the same time.

"You were all playful and now you're serious. I don't get it," I laughed softly and he put down his lyric book. He gave me a gentle smile, chuckling softly to himself. He came over to me and gave me a brief hug.

"Well you confuse me so it's only right that I confuse you in return." He reasoned and returned back to his spot. I tilted my head slightly at that. I confuse him?

"How do I confuse you? I already explained why you confuse me, it's only right that you return the favor." I smirked at the fact that I used similar language to his previous statement. He laughed gently but sighed afterwards.

"You do the same thing. One moment you're silly and playful, the next serious and doubtful. Sometimes you look like you're going to throw up and others you appear to be near crying. It doesn't matter when, we could be having the time of our lives and your mood would just flip. It's confusing. I don't believe you're just bipolar. Sometimes I get the impression that you're remembering something." He explained before taking a short breath and adding, "You'd tell me if something was bothering you, right?"

I thought about it for a moment. Would I tell Mike? He's my best friend but it hasn't been that long since we met. I haven't been telling him anything that's been bothering me and occasionally I felt the urge to but ended up keeping it to myself.

"Would you tell me?" I countered with and he appeared to be genuinely thinking about the question right when it was asked.

"I can always start." He decided to say, shrugging his shoulders. I nodded in return. "So tell me, what's been going on in that head of yours?"

"I... Mike, look. I'm sorry but you'd be so disappointed in me if I told you." I sighed, running a hand through my hair.

"Chaz, you're my best friend. I don't think it's possible to be disappointed in you. Don't be afraid, just tell me." He pleaded and I felt my mind caving into his demand.

"I don't expect you to understand but... I've been doing bad things for a really long time now." I said softly as if I was a child admitting to bad behavior. I decided I needed to stop sugarcoating the situation and just come out with it. With a deep sigh, I confessed my current habits to him. "I've been going through an internal conflict for many years now and it's caused me to abuse drugs and alcohol."

Mike seemed to appear paler as what I just confessed sunk in. He looked me dead in the eyes, his jaw unhinged. He looked to be breathing extremely slow little breaths. The silence that hung after my last spoken word felt painful.

"There's nothing we can't fix." He finally spoke, soothing my nerves slightly. His voice sounded crooked and weak. "Have you been this way before you joined the band?"

"Yes." I simply answered, not wishing to elaborate. He nodded his head quickly and slid his chair towards mine so he could take my hand in his.

"Chester, like I said before, I could never be disappointed in you. I want to help you get over these bad habits. I want to help you break them and live your life more properly. I want to help you, Chaz. A drug and alcohol problem isn't going to stop me from being your best friend."[/i]

Mike had been so loving and understanding at the time. I've never been given a second chance. He gave me what I always wanted. He loved me and I loved him.

He used to treat me so gently. He'd caress my shoulders softly when he hugged and shared a small cuddle when he sat beside me. He'd gently kiss the top of my head and run his hands on my chest occasionally. I would always feel so warm inside when he took my hand in his and showed me his affection. It wasn't anything sexual in my mind.

He wasn't always gentle with me but it was the way he usually act, as though I was made of the rarest of glass. He always said I was fragile and needed some sort of caution sign on my back that stated I break easily.

I miss the way he loved me. I'll never forget the Mike that I once knew, the one who would rarely hurt me and always had his eyes on me. He was there for eternity and had my back completely but I suppose there is no such thing as forever anymore.

My best friend, the one person I still felt I would do anything for, is gone. I don't believe I could ever accept the fact that he's gone but I can deny it for as long as I have to.

I can't express how much I miss him. The thought of my old Mikey makes my stomach ache and my throat swell. I just hate this so much. [i]My[/i] Mikey. Where has he even gone? He needs to come back and save me from himself. Mike would never hurt me. I don't know who this is anymore.

Mike, if you're listening to my thoughts and you can hear me, I need you. I need you so fucking much and I miss you so horribly. I just want you to hold me and let me burry my face into your chest as you run your fingers through my hair. I need your soft touches and gentle voice to heal me again. I need you, okay? Why have you gone and where did you go?

He was the miracle in my life. The one person who could heal me and make me feel better. He helped me through my drug addiction, made me quit being an alcoholic, and got me through the past. He built me back up and made me a person again. I loved him and I still do.

[i]Mike brushed away the tears rolling down from my eyes when I finished explaining Sam and I were getting a divorce. He pulled me in and gave me a tight yet gentle hug, whispering softly to me that everything would be okay.

"I'm here, Chazzy, shh." He hushed as I let out a soft sob, digging my eyes into the soft material covering his shoulders. "I'll never leave you, Chaz. I love you so much. You don't need her, you just need me, okay? Rely on me. I'll never leave you."

Where are you now, Mike?