In the Path of Revan

Season 1 - Classified Information 5.3

The... talk... with the Psychiatrist was actually nice. I was expecting a guy in a white science lab coat with a pen and paper on which to write "this guy is insane!" and ask me "how does that make you feel?" every time I say how I feel. I expected snobby, pipe in mouth, glasses, overweight, having me lay down like a fossil exhibit kind of stuff.

Instead I got a clone with amazingly social capacity to seem like a regular guy instead of a soldier who simply listened. His questions weren't stupid. He acknowledged what I was working toward, namely not making an enemy out of EVERYONE I see. I can handle some enemies, but it would be stupid to do it to absolutely everyone. He also suggested meditation.

He didn't tell me to hug a tree or empty my mind or 'be at one with the sausage' stuff. It was breathe, count to 6, breathe out, count to 6, repeat. I can do it from any position, eyes open or closed, at any time. I don't need to sit like a pretzel and get my pants dirty or look like a monk. Or fail looking like a monk and actually look constipated.

He also suggest I look at something while I do it in case I need something to focus my attention on. Something that doesn't have a lot of moving around. Something like a bland picture or... I suggested my lightsaber and he thought it would be good.

I don't know, it sounded like a really good idea at the moment. Another of those feelings like it just fit with me. Maybe I've done this meditation before? I don't know. I don't strike myself as a monk. More of an ass.

I don't think many asses become monks.

The only thing he found odd from my perspective was how casually I took my amnesia. Took some explanation, but he came to see why. I just... don't like to think about it. Yeah, it sucks. It really does. But why would I sit there thinking about it all the time? Stuff happens. If I can find a way to fix it, then I'll go with that. If I don't... then I'll just move on and keep moving.

That and I just simply don't feel my past was important. It's a gut feeling that it either was a past I didn't like, or one that didn't matter. Either way, I'm going with my gut.

He said that some might call it running away, that I'm scared.

How can I be scared of something I don't remember? Whatever, it doesn't make sense.

Along the way he inquired if I had any memories from the Holocron. He didn't push, and I tried. At some point I must have started panting or sweating or hyperventilating or something, because he grabbed my arm to get me to stop thinking about it.

Basically when I first got the memories, it was overwhelming. My head had hurt, I was fighting a fever, etc. I also vaguely remember that I dreamed a lot of the memories in my sleep.

It became more of a blur after the whole 'suppressment session'.

I would be lying if I said I was... comfortable... with the memories. But hey, stuff happens.

If I didn't stop telling myself that I would probably find a corner and cry with all the 'stuff' that's been happening to me.

I knew Tree-Hugger would want something. So I gave him a bunch of names I remember and we finished.

Oh, and he tells me I am something called an A-D-H-D or H-D-D or A-D-D or D-U-I. Or something like that. I wasn't paying attention much at that point.

So now that that's all over, I walk down the stairs. At where we were sitting, the chairs are thrown aside, and Tree-Hugger is sitting on one looking completely whipped. Don't know what he did, but having just come out of the hospital, it probably wasn't smart.

"What's this?" I gesture to the papers thrown all over the place. It looks like a tornado hit the table.

"Research." Ahsoka lets me know and returns to looking into the distance thoughtfully.