What's on my mind (Todobaku)

Chapter 11

Todoroki Pov

Love. Love is something that most desire. A feeling, a want to just have someone that will be there for you. Do I deserve it? People say that when you are single you are free, that if you never fall in love you can't get your heart broken. But maybe I don't care. I want to be in love so bad. Is it wrong to want love just because I feel lonely? It hurts to long for something, for someone, that I don't deserve.

The way he looks at something he is passionate about makes my heart flutter. The way that he has a secret side of him that he doesn't show to anyone in the class but me makes me feel special. The way he goes out of his way to do things for me and tell me that I am a good person makes me feel loved.

I think I am in love with Katsuki Bakugo.

I don't deserve him. I never have and never will. He needs better than me. He's wasting his time.

* * *

The sting of the cuts was the first thing I felt when I woke up. I was wrapped in bandages but blood was already starting to seep through in multiple places. The ache of bruises hit me next. Fuyumi must have broken the rules and patched me up, she did not know the full extent to which I was hurt though. My whole body felt like it was on fire and I felt weak, I honestly didn't know how I was awake right now.

I got up and looked in the mirror, to put it simply, I looked horrible. I didn't care though, I took off some of the bandages on my face and head and threw them in the trashcan before pulling a hoodie and sweat pants over to hide the rest.

I couldn't do it, I needed to get out of the house, It was about three in the morning so I already missed the curfew by a long shot, whatever. I pushed open the window and went out, walking to the playground that my mom used to take me to when I was younger and my dad went on a business trip. The stars looked really pretty, I remember watching them with Katsuki one day.

I was such a bad person for being a jerk to him earlier, but there's nothing I can do about it now. Maybe I'll just start pushing him away as I did with everyone else in my life that tried to help, or even noticed that something was wrong. I picked a bench next to the playground and sat on it, just letting the cool air hit me. I knew the only reason that I was still standing was probably adrenaline but I didn't care.

Looking back at the playground I saw another bench on the opposite side It was surrounded by empty beer cans and a couple of bottles of alcohol. Probably just some dumb college boys that left their alcohol and were stumbling around the city drunk now . . . There was still some left in one bottle.

No, I couldn't. . . or could I? It was technically illegal, but no one was around. I have heard about how it could make someone feel better. I just wanted it to go away, the constant pain, the thoughts, the constant almost breakdowns. Maybe the alcohol would help.

I grabbed the bottle from the other bench and retreated into one of the covered slides. Should I really be doing this? Would anybody figure out?

I don't have time to think. I want this. I grab the bottle and take a small sip. The taste is terrible. It burns. I take another.