What's on my mind (Todobaku)

Chapter 4

(Still Bakugo Pov.)

"Todoroki!" I yell again trying to get him to wake up, when I had no response I gently removed the blade from his hand and shook his shoulders. His eyes flutter open groggily. He sees my face and shoots up into a sitting before laying back down. "Woa, you just passed out, take it easy." I helped him sit up leaning his back against the stall door before using a more angry tone "Why did you have a blade in your hand, and why did you run instead of telling someone that you were going to pass out! You idiot!" I mean it's not like I care or anything I said to myself.

Todoroki Pov.

I don't know when the insults started. At first, it was just a few sour phrases that I flung at myself, but as time went on it became easier and easier to make these insults and find new ways to hate myself. F*** you, you self centered attention brat. You deserve nothing. God, you can't even do your homework right. I don't know why anyone even still hangs around you, ohh right, they don't. When's the last time someone actually asked you to hang out? I hate you. And soon enough these voices crept into my everyday life, degrading me slowly but constantly. It's impossible to still tell if they're mine. I don't want them there anymore, but at the same time, I still feel like I deserve them so I don't want to get rid of them. And every time I even think about telling someone or doing something about what I feel, the insults come and tell me how much of an attention wh*re I'm being and how there are so many worse things going on in the world, and I shouldn't waste someones time with something as stupid as this or a piece of trash like me.

So that's one of the reasons why I turn to face Bakugo and say "It's fine, I'm fine."

"No, you aren't" he retorted and pointed to my helpless position. I tried to stand up, I wanted to run, to get out of here as soon as possible. But no avail, I stood up, took one step, and immediately fell back down. "Oh no, you're not getting away that easily, not until you tell me what is going on with you"

"I don't need to tell you anything," I said coldly and stood up again but black dots covered my vision and I fell onto Bakugo who caught me and scooped me up in his arms.

"I'm taking you to recovery girl and then telling Mr.Aizawa"

"No" I cried "Please, I'll tell you later, just promise me you won't tell an adult" He considered it for a moment and then nodded.

"Fine, we have a few hours before school ends, I'll text shitty hair to tell Mr.Aizawa you got sick. I'm taking you back to the dorms." There was no point in arguing or asking him to forget. I sighed and rested my head on his shoulder letting sleep overtake me once again.

* * *

I wake up to Bakugo looking at my wrists, I quickly pull them to my chest. I notice I'm in his room on his bed.

"Todoroki, it's okay. You don't have to show me them until you want to."

"How long was I out?" I question in a monotone voice

"Only a few hours, school just ended so it's 2:30 right now" he replies, My eyes widen, I needed to be back at my dad's by 2:45 or else, I didn't want to think of the consequences.

"I have to go"

"You just woke up and now you're going to leave? Tell me what's going on," he demanded

"I- I just forgot that I need to help my sister make dinner"

"Dinner? At 2:30 in the afternoon?" He asked I didn't give a response just bolted out of the room, using the little amount of energy that the nap supplied me.

Once I got home I was met with an enraged Enji Todoroki. "Your late" he spat.

"Yes father, I'm sorry"

"Tch, follow me to the training room" He chided. I had no choice but to follow knowing fully well that he would take it out on me during training.

* * *

Honestly, I have no idea why I started cutting either, I think I saw it in a book or movie or something and just decided to try it. Well, I tried it and liked it and now I won't stop. Is it so bad that I like looking at them, that I like feeling them? That I like watching the blood as it drips down my arm? I heard that some people are ashamed of their cuts, that they don't like the fact that they cut, but keep doing it anyway. Is it so bad that I like my cuts? I don't want others to see them, but when I cut I don't feel so horribly useless. I don't have to concentrate on my dad or what's happening in class, I can just concentrate on why I hate myself and why I'm doing it. Is it so bad that when I cut, I finally feel like the main f****** character? I like the stinging afterward, I love the fact that no one except me can see them. And maybe I'm just being selfish, what if there's a part of me that just wants to be special, maybe there is. But the other part of me likes the pain and feels like I deserve it, every cut has a meaning a reason why I'm so worthless.

I sat in the bathroom with fresh cuts on my arm. After the brutal training session, I felt like my body was on fire and my limbs were being torn apart. I couldn't even wait until the 'training session' was over to pass out. Fuyumi found me on the floor but was forbidden to helping me. So I had to drag myself to my room with my last bit of strength, I didn't know what to do so I did the only thing that I could, I punished myself by cutting. I texted Bakugo to tell Aizawa that I would not be staying at the dorms tonight. He asked me why I wasn't coming back and demanded an answer for his questions earlier or he wouldn't give Mr.Aizawa my message, but I just ignored him and powered off my phone knowing full well that he would tell Mr.Aizawa anyways.