Sid : the Devil's secretary

6. In bad company

6. In bad company

Lucifer went back into town, for he had business of his own to attend to. The hidden jewel of Hell had always been the Italian architecture of the convent of Our Ladies of Spiritual Damnation lit up by the flames of the river Dis. Lucifer pulled up a sleek custom made Porsche outside the convent's grand entryway and got out. Knocking gently on the long double doors bolted with iron studs on hardwood, Lucifer was let in to find his rekindled flame Lilith standing beside other members of her congregation over the flaming embers of the Hell portal between the main prayer hall and the entrance. 

As immortal demons, Lilith and Lucifer had hardly changed in the year since Blood Moon Day, each remaining well-endowed in both appearance and intellect. A form fitting red tunic from Lilith saw her lover well. Their relationship was quite the predicament, for they loved each other deeply, but after some time apart prior to Blood Moon Day, their romance was still in the process of being revived.

"are you ever going to move in, Lil?" Lucifer stood by Lilith.

"you know I have a duty to my girls here, but I'll take it under consideration" the head nun turned.

"so why did you call me here?" Lucifer asked.

"look down there" Lilith pointed down through the Hell portal. This time it had not opened up to the convent In Los Angeles as usual. Rather a bearded raggedy man in a large coat and scruffy black jeans looked up to the demons from deep within the Black Forest of Germany. It was said he had a flame inside a turnip to light his way through his lonesome existence, but by now he had either eaten it or sold it off for more alcohol, because nothing means more for modern man than glowing vegetables.

"a hobo?" Lucifer tilted his head at the unusual sight.

"he says he knows you" Lilith replied.

"it's unlike a human to perform a satanic ritual this powerful" Lucifer remained perplexed.

"why can't he come through?" Lucifer watched the man on the other side leap upward to the portal, which bounced him back down to the forest floor.

"yoo-hoo. Lovebirds, how's about giving us a hand?" the dirty hobo man let out a thick Irish accent.

"I'll take care of this" Lucifer hopped through the portal to the Black Forest to greet the man.

"my prince" the man curtseyed.

"who are you, and what do you want?" Lucifer crossed his arms while a mist filtered through the maze of identical tree trunks.

"oh, where are my manners. Top of the... what day's it?. The name's Jack, Stingy Jack" the man responded.

"Jack...wait a minute" Lucifer turned away from the man briefly, then remembered the name, a name that caused him to throw a fistful of fire at the man, only narrowly missing him.

"what the fuck?" Jack got off the thatched ground and stood to Lucifer.

"get out of here if you value your life" Lucifer glared down at Jack.

"come on Luci. Don't be a dick!" Jack took out a long green bottle from his coat and swigged.

"no, I'm not falling for any of your shit" Lucifer continued his glare.

"well, your dad did. Tell me, where's the old man at these days?" Jack rested on a nearby tree stump.

"he retired" Lucifer explained.

"retired, Jesus. He old" Jack slapped his knee before burping.

"I am actually the one in charge now, so if you know what's good for you, you'll leave" Lucifer asserted to the nonbeliever.

"but I don't like you. you're no fun" Jack huffed.

"how did you open the Hell portal?" Lucifer grunted.

"listen here. I read stuff in a book. There's not really much to do now when you're immortal" Jack waved around his hands.

"whatever. You had your chance to do the right thing all those years ago and accept your fate as the drunken slob you are, but you didn't" Lucifer continued.

"hold on. If you're the new king, maybe we could change a couple of things" Jack had a thought.

"what are you talking about?" Lucifer spoke.

"I mean you could do something about that pesky curse that was put on me. maybe talk to God about it" Jack sipped then spieled.

"one, God died on Blood Moon Day. Second, what in the fuck makes you think I would help?" Lucifer explained.

"because I'm bored. I've done pretty much everything you can do in this world, day after day, month after month for three hundred years" Jack threw the bottle against a tree, smashing it into shards.

"your little con got you banned from Heaven and Hell" Lucifer jabbed a finger in the air between him and Jack.

"I know that, but now there's new management. I think there could be a way for all this to be over with" Jack got off his stump.

"stop wasting my time!" Lucifer turned away.

"fine, fine. But before you go, get my journal. It's all the way up in that tree, lost it to a woodpecker in a game of battleship" Jack pointed up to a small brown book halfway between the canopy and the roots. Lucifer floated up to grab the journal, while Jack thought fast and grabbed several small objects from his large coat, dashing them around the base of the tree. He had actually used the same ploy to fool Satan to avoid his destiny.

"you bastard!!" Lucifer saw Jack at the base of the tree gloating beside a circle of small wooden crosses that he dare not touch on pain of burnt hands and fingers. Jack kept switching out between drunken laughter and tears of mixed feelings.

"the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Priceless, but there's more" Jack took out a small bible from his coat and began to walk around the base of the tree.

"stop it!!!" Lucifer grabbed the journal before clasping his hands over his ears. The words from the good book came as nails on a chalkboard to the king of Hell.

"no chance. This is the most fun I've had in decades" Jack continued to read.

"ENOUGH!!!" Lucifer bellowed across the land, his eyes burning red and a pulse of flames winding out across to the surrounding trees. He took Jack's journal in his hand and set it ablaze before throwing fireballs to the base of the tree to burn the crosses and break the circle holding him prisoner. Lucifer then stood on the burning ground while the forest fire spread around him, edging closer to Jack, who fell on his back. Despite being immortal, Jack could still see a threat coming from a mile off.

"you are an enemy of my father and now you're an enemy of me. don't call back, because if you do I will give you an insufferable fate" Lucifer bent down.

"a life without booze" Jack suggested.

"the Oblivion execution" Lucifer said otherwise.

"you can't just leave me in this. I don't want to burn my head fur" Jack looked around to the encroaching flames.

"I can and I will" Lucifer jetted off into the air, leaving the immortal human to receive a roasting in the fire. Passing through L.A back to the convent, Lilith and the other nuns saw the Hell portal glow once again on the other side to find Lucifer walk out and stand, looking completely and utterly pissed off. Never before had he been played, no less by a human.

"how did it go?" Lilith dared to ask.

"just grand" Lucifer put on a fake smile. Glad to be back, but still pissed.

"the look on your face says different" Lilith deduced.

"that lowlife had the gall to test me. well, see how he likes it" Lucifer clenched his fists.

"there, there. Don't worry, it's over now" Lilith patted and hugged her fiancé.