Jarlaxle Baenre goes to Walmart

Walmart

Jarlaxle stepped over the empty soda cans at the entrance of the store, pulling a face of utter disgust. Humans could really be barbaric sometimes, just leaving their things laying around everywhere. The irony of the state of his apartment, much lamented by his roommate, completely flew over his head. He was here for toast, milk, butter, eggs, orange juice...
He fumbled with his shopping list before shoving his hands deep into his designer coat, which had cost him a small fortune, which was part of why he was even in the Walmart in the first place. Not because he was low on funds but because he had wanted to go out and show it off... perhaps a lapse in judgement.

"Shoulda driven to the Costco" he mumbled to himself as he stepped over what could have been both a dog or a small child, heels clicking along. He just needed groceries...
Behind him he could hear shrieking, human children.... he pulled a face. Why was everything so loud. He found the carrots first and was about to grab a bag of toast when he heard a loud dramatic gasp behind him.

"How dare you cut in front of me?!"
The woman was grotesque, even more so than he himself, she was in her late forties, he would have guessed, was wearing sunglasses, a way too tight top that left no inch of her lumpy form to the imagination and cheetah print leggings, as well as the brightest red lipstick he had ever seen on a woman. And she looked angry. A dread so powerful not even the priestesses in the underdark could have evoked it in him filled him from the tips of his toes to the long feather on his hat.
"There is more toast over there"
He tried to reason, but he was sharply cut off.
"Still you were very rude for cutting in front of me, I want to speak to your manager"
Jarlaxle's brow creased deeply, his own sunglasses slipping down onto the tip of his nose.
"But I don't-"
"Don't give me that attitude, kid"

He was likely a few centuries her senior but he just pressed his lips into a thin line, a look of complete and utter disbelief on his features, even if he would have liked to give her a witty comeback.
"Look, I'm here to sh-"
"Nu uh young man, your manager"
Jarlaxle, now thoroughly irritated, just turned, grabbed the toast and decided that, now that he was here, he was getting cake mix... oh and any alcohol he could find. Cheap vodka and funfetti cake was his only hope of recovery. Behind him the woman was screaming something about assault as she rolled around on the floor, which he noticed to his horror, was sticky with gods only knew what.

The grocery isle found him more than he found it. He felt something squish under his feet, a head of lettuce had been annihilated by someone or something and left strewn around the floor. Fight or flight kicked in as he rushed to grab what he needed, children howling like wolves in the adjacent isles wherever he went. Finally he fought his way through self checkout and raced home, bringing the shopping cart back to the station, he wasn't a savage after all!

Artemis was playing assassins creed black flag for the sixth time (he had made it his personal mission to know the game intimately enough to commit it to muscle memory. That and it was the only game he owned, apart from the witcher, but that was Jarlaxle's beast) when the door slammed open and jarlaxle waddled in with four plastic bags in his arms.
"Or you could use the key"
He didn't even look up at his roommate, he had sent him for basic groceries, why all the bags? They were a two person household??
"I have no hands to use the key"
He sighed
"Could have knocked"
"I did"
The drow rebutted as he slammed the bags down on their sideboard.

"Pack your shit"
Artemis furrowed his brows and paused the game for the first time in four hours, now that he thought about it, his legs were asleep from sitting so long... the console was bad for his health...
"Excuse me?"
The drow made direct eye contact with him.
"Pack your shit. We're going on vacation. Kimmuriel is coming too"
The calishite blinked a few times.
"And who will take care of eggbert?"
They simultaneously looked to the enclosure with their ball python.
"My brother said he'll house sit while we are gone."
Artemis groaned.
"Fine, but no parties"

The drow laughed as he disappeared in the bedroom.
"Bold of you to assume he has friends"
This did draw a chuckle from Artemis' throat.
"True."
He joined the drow in their sleeping quarters, his bed a mattress laid haphazardly on the floor to be dragged into the living room should jarlaxle feel chatty at 3 AM.
"So why only kimmuriel and not rai'guy?"
Jarlaxle rolled his eyes.
"I offered but he said they were fighting. Some time apart will do them both good"
Jarlaxle stuffed items of clothing into his bag.
"Where are we even going?"
"Booked a resort, all inclusive, our suite is fantastic."
Artemis sighed deeply, something he did a lot in the drow's presence.
"You went to Walmart, not war."
The plumed man woefully ignored the comment, and the other was left with no choice but to pack his duffel bag and think about the strange things he would be dragged into wherever they were going...