Work Relations || Aaron Hotchner

Chapter 61

September 26th
Derek pulls over in my driveway but I don't get out yet. "Do you want me to come inside?" he asks
"Uhm... I should go talk to Jack first, alone" I say
"I can stay with Melissa" he says
"Thank you" I say and he nods. I unlock the door and immediately Melissa runs to me.
"Mommy!" she says as she wraps her arms around my legs. I kneel down and I hug her. "I missed you" she says
"I missed you too baby" I say holding her
"Where is daddy?" she asks and I feel more tears form in my eyes.

"Hey, Mel. How about we go play and let mommy take care of something?" Derek asks as he kneels down with me
"Yes! Can I give you a make over?" she asks excited
"Oh yes, I would love to" he says and she takes his hand. She leads him to her room but as they were walking she said
"I promised to give daddy a make over but he can wait". That's when all the adorable memories of Mel giving Aaron a make over were coming back to me. He would sit and have his hair and makeup done by her without complaining once. He would make her laugh so much and without realising it, she would do the same to him. I didn't know how he was when Jack was little but who would have thought that Aaron Hotchner would be such a good and sweet girl dad.

I relieve nanny and then I head to Jack's room. He was playing on his computer and didn't see or hear me get in the room. I knock on the door to get his attention. "Hi Jessie" he says
"Hi, Jack can we talk?" I ask
"Yeah, I'm listening" he says taking his headphones off but keeps playing
"Jack, please turn it off" I say as I sit on his bed. A few seconds later he comes and sits across from me. "First I want you to know that whatever I say or whatever your reaction is to what I say right now won't change the fact that you are my kid and I love you" I say.
"Where is dad?" he asks noticing that something is wrong
"Dad got injured on this case. He was in the hospital for the last 24 hours but despite the doctors' tries, he... he didn't make it. Dad died an hour ago" I say
"No..." he says crying
"I'm really sorry Jack" I say and I hug him letting him cry on me.

When he calmed down, I let him get some sleep and I go to Melissa's room. "How did it go?" Derek asks
"How do you think?" I ask and he nods.
"Meanwhile, we were having so much fun here, right Mel?" he asks
"Yes, I made Derek pretty" she says
"I can see that" I say smiling "It's just kid's makeup so it comes off with a simple wipe" I say to Derek
"Ok" he says.
"Mommy, when is daddy coming home?" Mel asks
"Honey..." I say kneeling down to her level "... Daddy is not coming home" I finally say
"Is he coming tomorrow?" she asks
"No baby. Daddy is not coming home because... there was a bad guy and... daddy died" I say doing my best to hold back the tears in my eyes
"Mommy, you're silly. No one beats daddy" she says and a tear escapes my eye.

"Hey, Melissa. I don't think my makeup is done" Derek says trying to get her attention so she won't see me crying. But the doorbell and I go to answer it. As soon as I open the door, I see Emily
"Hey, I heard and I came as soon as I could" she says and hugs me
"Thank you" I say.

"Oh look who's here" Derek says as he comes out of the room with Melissa and Emily starts laughing as soon as she sees him
"Hi aunt Emily" she says and runs to hug her. She picks her up
"Wow, I see that you were busy" Emily says looking at Derek "I need a picture" she says taking her phone out
"No, no" he says running to the bathroom. "For 5 whole second I was glad that you were back" he shouts from there and I start laughing
"Thanks for that, I really needed a laugh today" I say. "The funeral is tomorrow, will you be here?" I ask
"Yes, I can stay for a few days" she answers
"Thank you" I say and I hug her.

"How are you holding up?" she asks
"I don't think I have fully realised it yet. I just told Jack" I say
"And how is he?" she asks
"I let him get some rest. Coming back up from this will be hard for all of us" I say
"And that's totally ok. It's ok to not be ok. We can't be happy all the time because that's not mental health, that's crap. Bad things happen and it's ok to be sad and breakdown. That's why I'm here" she says
"God... I missed you" I say and I hug her.

September 27th
Today is the day of the funeral. David said that he will arrange everything so I wouldn't have to think more about it and focus on the kids. They need me more than ever now. During the service and the burial I never let go of their hands and made my best to keep myself together. But I eventually broke when they laid the casket down, in front of the stone with his name on it. Tears started making their way down my cheeks but I didn't let any sobs be heard. These times I felt Emily's hand rubbing my back trying to make me feel better. Honestly, I was barely standing on my feet. There were so many moments that I thought that I was fainting.

That's when it hit me that he is gone and he's not coming back. That was it. I'm a widow now. At the whole reception I was a ghost, it was like I put the auto pilot on and went from there because I couldn't stop thinking about Aaron and what I could have done to prevent this. "Agent Grey" I hear and I snap out of my thoughts
"Chief Cruz" I say standing up
"I'm sorry for your loss" he says
"Thank you" I say
"I also wanted you to know that I did everything I could to buy you some time but the director wants to see you on Monday. He needs an answer" he says
"It's ok. Thank you for trying" I say and he nods.
"I'm very sorry Jessie. Aaron was a good man and agent" he says shaking my hand
"I know" I say and he leaves.

After the reception, David invited the team to his house for a more private reception. "Thank you for taking care of everything Dave" I say
"You don't need to thank me kid. A long time ago, Gideon and I were the ones who told your mother that her husband died. Yesterday, I was the one who told you that your husband died. I couldn't not do anything about it" he says and I nod.

"Jessie, I can't even imagine what you're going though, if you need some time away, we understand. We can help" JJ says
"No, it's ok. I'm handling it" I say
"Trying to ignore and compress your feelings isn't healthy" Derek says
"I'm handling it. Besides the director needs me on Monday" I say taking a sip of my drink
"The director? Why?" Derek asks
"He wants to know if I'm going to take over Aaron's place permanently. The truth is that I don't even know if I'm ready to walk in the BAU again. I'm not even sure I can stay in my house. Last night I slept with Emily on the couch because I couldn't bring myself to go to bed alone" I say as my eyes get watery again. "Every night, when he would turn towards me, he would always reach to touch my belly or my back to make sure that I'm there. When he would have a nightmare he would wrap his arm around my waist or simply hold my hand and fall asleep again. When I would have a nightmare, I would get really close to him, he'd hug me and we'd fall back asleep like that. Now I'll have to lay down in our bed alone because he is not gonna be next to me again when I reach or open my eyes" I say as I let the tears roll down my cheeks.

"Ok. I have a pretty good story to cheer us up a little bit. Can I...?" Derek asks
"Sure" I say wiping my tears
"This was probably the first couple of weeks Jessie came to the BAU. I remember that it was Monday morning, I went in Hotch's office to give him my latest reports and I found a pair of black lace panties under the desk" he says causing me to laugh and I cover my embarrassed face with my hands. "That morning he made me swear to not say anything because he didn't want to make Jessie feel uncomfortable" he says
"Yes, that was the first time we had sex, in that office. Our first meeting was in the elevator and our first kiss on the jet. So now I believe that you can understand my some hesitation to come back to the BAU" I say
"That's where everything started" Emily says
"Exactly. I'll make it eventually" I say.