Black Dress Wedding

Chapter 10

Weddings are adult proms. They are a chance to dress up, twirl around a dance floor, and pretend that life is a fairy tale of balls and princes for a few minutes. I didn't believe in fairy tales; I never believed in them. I wore my black dress as a badge of honor that life was not all love stories and happily-ever-afters. My eyes filtered through that cascade of vibrant blue, yellow and purple dresses as my mind was pulled back to the royal green velvet dress of my prom.

"Did you have fun tonight?" Jake asked as we drove home.

He had offered to go to one of the various after-prom parties, but I wanted to get home. I wanted to be on the lake in case something happened.

The cab of his truck felt smaller as the inky black night pressed against the window. The headlights sliced through the thickness like a knight wielding a shiny sword.

"Yeah, I did," it wasn't a lie, but it wasn't the truth either.

When you are losing someone you love, you start to mourn early and painfully. Every moment you share with them cuts into you with the dagger of what you will soon be missing. Worse, any moment away stabs deeper. Every moment away reminds you of what life will be like without them. The frivolity of celebrating teens in the prime of their lives felt like a cruel twist as I knew my life was about to be forever changed, and Beth would soon be taking her last breath.

Jake must have sensed my melancholy. He pulled me to his side and gave the crown of my head a gentle kiss. We had grown closer than ever over the past two weeks. He crawled in my window every night and fell asleep beside me. It was unspoken, but we both found solace in each other enough that we could finally sleep.

"I haven't seen my mom as happy as she was tonight in weeks," he added quietly.

"Yeah," I let the silence finish my sentence that took hold as he killed the engine of his truck in our driveway.

"You want to check out the lake for a few minutes; that shitty music is still pounding in my head."

"Sure," I murmured as I pulled away from him.

As we gazed out over the silky waters of the lake, I felt the soft cling of his tux coat fall around my shoulders before his arms circled my waist. With his height, he had to stoop a bit to rest his chin on my head. Instinctively I leaned into his chest and let my hand grip his. We were entwined in each other once again.

"I wanted to take you tonight," he murmured. "It wasn't a favor for you; it was a favor for me."

A small, sad smile tipped my lips. It was a sweet, gentle admission that, if the situation had been different, he never would have made. If the time had been different, he would be teasing me right now or, I would be at a post-prom party with a boy whose name I would barely remember in twenty years. But the circumstances were gutting and yielded quiet moments of love and compassion that two kids should not be forced to share.

"Nifer," there was a catch in his throat that caused me to twist to meet his gaze. "I..."

He couldn't finish. He was unable to ask, but I knew what he wanted. I knew what I wanted, what we needed. I pushed into him softly as his arms constricted tighter around me. He dipped, slouching in what must have been a painful manner, but it allowed our lips to meet.

Jake and I were forever connected through loss, so it fit that I lost my virginity to him that night. It was gentle and quiet. It didn't even feel unexpected. It was as though we had been building to that moment our whole lives. As I lay in his arms, letting the moment pass over me, I felt a calm that I wanted to stay in forever. It pulled me into a peaceful sleep.

The peace, the comfort, the world was shattered as the sun rose the following day.

"Jake, Jen; you have to wake up," there was an odd cadence to my dad's voice, labored.