No Matter What

That First Day

Like every other school day, I found myself totally late. I ran a brush through my hair and rushed to the closet, almost knocking over my telescope in the process. I had a late night of obsessively looking for new objects in the sky instead of sleeping. It was a bad habit I'd given up on kicking.

I got my jacket, magenta void, and backpack, then ran out to the bus stop, to my disgust. I couldn't wait until I finally got my own car. Once I got across the street to the bus stop, the realization hit me that I was the oldest one there, since the Gomez triplets down the block would be driving themselves. Now that we were all seniors, they actually had cars.

I was looking down at my phone and taking in the crisp, fall air as some music started to play through my headphones. I was zoning out when I realized a nervous girl was coming towards me. She looked like a freshman. Why did she want to talk to me? My headphones were clearly on. Leave me alone.

"Uh...can I help you?" I said, holding one of my headphones away from my ear.

"I remember you. I saw you at the bake sale," she said.

"Oh, sweet! Thanks for stopping by and helping out. My boyfriend is doing really well in the wheelchair we were able to get. Every dollar really did count!" I said, giving an awkward smile so it seemed like I was being nice and friendly.

"You gave me and my mom burnt lemon bars," she said, her face cold and flat.

I wanted to feel guilty, but honestly, she was just pissing me off now. I narrowed my eyes at her and said, "If your boyfriend ended up falling off the roof, then you would've done the same thing."

She smirked. "Rumor has it that you pushed him off."

I rolled my eyes. "That's...not true. Just beat it."

"Hope you don't get arrested, even though you should be," she said, walking back towards her group of giggling friends.

People were so weird. If there was any doubt that I did push Connor off, surely I would've gotten questioned by the cops and an investigation would've been launched.

The bus ride was silent. I mean, I was listening to music and couldn't hear anything anyway, but the muffled conversations around me were much less than normal. I put up the hood of my sweatshirt because I felt like I was being completely covered in stares. All I wanted was to be ignored, all day every day.

When the bus let us out in front of the school, I lined up and went through the metal detectors with everyone else, then made my way to the cafeteria. It was the normal spot where we liked to hang out, and where I got breakfast because I was too much of a disorganized mess to eat at home.

Connor had a big crowd surrounding him. It looked like it was mostly cheerleading girls and other curious kids from our classes. Like when he scored that winning touchdown last year, he was smiling and enjoying all those eyes being on him. I, however, definitely was not. Connor was getting bright-eyed looks, while I was getting more nasty stares.

Connor's first day back was full of encounters like the one from the bus stop. I'd gone from Ayla: the space nerd dating a hot football player, to Ayla: the girl who attempted to murder her boyfriend. Or the girl who was always jealous. Or the girl who was just nuts.

Why couldn't I go back to the quiet, introverted autistic girl that people avoided because they were weirded out by me flapping my hands and using fidget toys in high school?

I'd seen some stuff on social media about people here and there throwing out dumb theories, but I didn't think people in school would actually, you know, believe them. I thought we were better and smarter than that, but apparently not.

I thought I was going to be the one standing up to bullies for Connor, but it was the exact opposite. He was the one defending me from all the rumors of his fall on prom night being on purpose. He fought everyone off to the bitter end.

"I still can't believe he'd want to date someone like her anyway," a girl said as she walked past me in the cafeteria.

"And I can't believe you'd go out in public dressed like you just stepped out of the Goodwill bins!" said Chelsea.

"Say that again to her and you'll see what happens!" said Chris.

The girl and her friend next to her didn't answer. They just scurried away. I smiled. Lots of people in this building didn't accept me, yet somehow I was sitting at a lunch table with the most popular group there could be.

"Thank you guys," I said, taking a bite of my sandwich.

"Any time. We'll always look out for 'ya," Chris said to me.

"You okay, babe?" Connor asked, putting his arm around me.

"I'm fine," I said. "That's probably the hundredth time I've heard that since we started dating."

"So, are you going to the game, Ayla?" Chelsea asked.

"Well, I don't like crowds, but I'll have Dani to sit in the bleachers with me," I said.

And that's exactly what happened. The rest of the week went by, the rumors becoming less and less as the days and hours went on. We had the pep rally on Friday, which Dani and I got to sit out of. I was so happy that we could hang out in Miss Shen's room and play with her Play Doh sets instead. That night, Annie picked the two of us up and we went to the game together. We each had our own set of headphones and a weighted blanket. It was super cold out.

I sat with Dani in the bleachers and cheered for our team, shouting out to Connor on the sidelines every once in a while. From a distance, I could see that he was holding it together the best he could as his friends and brother took the field.

Even though he wasn't wearing his football jersey, Connor was still on the field, beefing up his college applications by getting experience as Assistant Coach. We ended up losing the game, but Connor knew I was thrilled because that meant there was no after party I'd need to tag along to.

We met him down on the field afterwards. For the first time in a while, I could see that he felt defeated. All I could do was hug him.

"I'm sorry we lost, babe. I know how badly you wanted to win," I said.

"Yes! But it's important to remember that there will always be the next game," Dani said,

"That's a great point, Dani," Connor said, taking my hand. "Besides, having a great girlfriend makes me always feel like a winner."