No Matter What

Life-Changing News

I sat in my dad's car outside the doctor's office. I couldn't tell if my shivers were because the heat didn't work and it was snowing outside, or the fact that I was terrified. This had to be it. This had to be the time where I actually had ovarian cancer.

College was going to go out the window. I imagined myself bald from chemo like my mom, and laying in a hospital bed. I imagined my pale, shaky fingers scrolling down the keypad of my laptop, looking at all the pictures on my social media of friends moving into dorms. Their lives were just beginning while mine would be fading away.

They'd be eating cafeteria pizza and going to tailgate parties. Dad would be even busier at work, somehow trying to pay for a house and my treatments. I'd be in the hospital, which smelled of my two least favorite smells in the world: rubber gloves and sanitizer.

I'd be lying in that bed, dying alone. I would never want Connor or any of my family to see me like that. I wished I'd never seen my mom on her deathbed. I wanted to remember her as she was when she was living, not how she was as she was dying, but it was the last time I saw her.

I looked out my window and saw Connor's mom pulling up in their new minivan, which was tailored specially for the love of my life. The door opened and the ramp came out. Connor went down it and I got out of the car. I walked to the other side, grabbed the magenta void, and went over to Connor as his mom pulled away.

"Hey there," he said, reaching up to hug me.

I gave him a quick kiss on the lips. "You ready?"

"Are you?" he asked.

"Of course not."

"Great. Can't wait," he said, his face forming into a comforting grin, but his voice had an edge to it.

I followed Connor up the wheelchair ramp and held the door open for him. The lady behind the counter gave me a look. She always gave me a look.

"Last name?" she asked.

"Green," I said.

She looked up at me and lowered her glasses. "Yes, Ayla. I see that you're back again."

"Yes. Because early detection saves lives."

"I just need your insurance card."

"Sure. One second."

I heaved the magenta void onto the little ledge of the windowsill and started digging. I moved a pair of sunglasses, a pack of gum, and a crumpled notepad over to the side. I dug further and I started to feel this woman's eyes on me. It was like her eyes were burning right through me.

"You really need to clean that thing," Connor whispered.

"I know, I know," I said, finally pulling out my insurance card, which had a gummy bear stuck to it. I pulled it off and handed it to the lady. I turned to Connor and smiled. "See. I always find everything eventually. It's called organized chaos."

He chuckled. "I'm not really sure about the whole 'organized' part."

The lady behind the desk handed me back the insurance card and said, "Okay. You can have a seat."

I threw the card back into the magenta void and sat down on an end so Connor could be next to me. I wanted to be as far away as possible from the fish tank, where the demon suckerfish with the big eyes was gnawing at the side of the tank. It always felt like it was going to munch right through that piece of glass and suck my face off.

"Hey, it's just a fish. It can't hurt you," Connor said, placing his hand on top of mine.

"When it gets out of the tank and eats your face off, you'll think differently. I'm sure," I said.