No Matter What

How We Wonder

This was going to be a great day, but also a terrible day.

"I hate people. I hate people. I hate people," I said. I was trying to give myself a pep-talk in my car as I sat in front of the Midnight's house, but it wasn't going well. "I don't know how I'm gonna do this. I can't socialize with other people. I can barely talk to myself without saying something stupid."

I looked down at the notification that popped up on my phone. It was a text from Connor.

Hey, hope you're almost here. Everyone is waiting on you.

"I've been here for a half an hour! I just haven't gone inside!" I said. Still, to myself. "Okay, I can do this."

I took a deep breath, grabbed the box of cookies I bought on the way over here, and walked inside. I was going to do this for Connor. He'd already done so much for me. I just had to suck it up for a little while. Then I'd finally know what my babies were.

I walked in and saw these amazing decorations all over the place. I knew what the theme would be based on the invites. It wasn't quite as spacey as I'd hoped for, but this was still really good. Christy did a great job.

A banner above the fireplace read, "Twinkle Twinkle Little Stars." That was the whole theme, because there were star-shaped decorations everywhere. I figured it was as close as she could get to space, but I really was hoping to get some cool planets and rockets thrown into there.

I went over to the snack table and set down my box of crappy store bought cookies before choosing what I wanted. I grabbed a chocolate cupcake covered in purple and blue icing that was topped with star-shaped sprinkles. There were cookies shaped like rockets, which made my normal round chocolate chips look like trash, but I was glad to have rockets somewhere. There were also finger sandwiches shaped like stars.

At the end of the table was a sheet cake. It was covered in blue frosting and had a bunch of different constellations on it. I told Christy not to worry about an elaborate cake if we were going to do the big reveal a different way. On the top of it was swirly text that read, "Stay strong, Midnight babies."

I needed to see that. I found myself the previous night lost in an internet rabbit hole of stories from parents with MoMo twins. So many had TTTS. So many died in the womb. One delivered stillborns at twenty-four weeks, which was my original goal to make it to. So, so many just didn't make it. I did my best to hold on to the hope that ours would.

I looked around the room and tried to make myself feel happy, but the only thing that came over me was guilt. What if we were going through all of this for two babies that didn't survive?

The Midnights spent way too much money on this. I didn't quite understand why, like Connor, they were so happy about something so unplanned. These little ones were a complete accident. I was an unwed teen mother who screwed a lot of her life up. I felt more like I should be hiding in my room with my Podcasts than out here having a party thrown for me.

These people didn't seem to care, though. All of his football friends were here, and a few people older than us who I assumed were his relatives. Thankfully, no one seemed to notice me when I walked in. I quietly tucked myself into a corner so I could start enjoying my cupcake.

"Hey, Ayla's here!" Chris said.

"She is?" Connor called from the other room.

And there goes that. All eyes were on me. Connor came right over and scooped me into a hug.

"I'm so glad you're finally here! Now we can get to the balloon," he said.

"Hold on. I want to eat first. I'm supposed to be getting my weight way up, remember?"

Connor sighed. "Okay. Eat as many cupcakes as you like. I'll be in the kitchen."

He went on his way, and I went into the corner between a wall and the bookshelf. It was the perfect spot to not be seen. I turned away from everyone else and licked off a big glob of frosting, then another. It was one hell of a cupcake.

"Hey, what are you doing, hiding back there?" I heard a voice say.

I turned around because I felt like my ears were deceiving me.

"Dad! I can't believe you made it!" I said, throwing my arms around him.

I fumbled a little and hugged me back. It felt like such a long time since I gave him a good hug.

"Did you actually think we were going to miss this for the Upstate Dental Convention?" he asked.

"I'm just glad you came. I'm so happy."

"Me too, cupcake. Me too."

"Wait, hang on? Did you say 'we'?" I asked.

"Surprise!" Annie said, popping up from around the corner. Dawson was by her side. "We wouldn't miss this for the world!"

"But your appointment to try on dresses was today!" I said.

"I booked a different appointment on Wednesday and had the front desk cancel all my afternoon patients. I can pull you out of class and you can leave early," she said.

"Yes! I'll do literally anything to avoid gym!" I said.

Gym was my last period of the day on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. Hell to the no. Three days a week of gym should be illegal.

I spent some time chatting and taking pictures with my dad, then hiding in the bathroom on my phone for a little while. Too many people. Even though there were only like twenty or so, it still felt like a lot, and I was definitely having a sensory overload. The quietness of the bathroom helped me calm down for a few minutes.

"Ayla, are you okay, babe?" Connor asked from outside the door.

"I'm fine," I said.

"Well, when you're ready, we've got the balloon. And by 'when you're ready' I mean 'I know you're stressed and overloaded but I really, really want to pop the balloon because the suspense is killing me.'"

I knew I had to get this over with eventually, so I took a breath and walked out of the bathroom. Connor was grinning ear to ear.

"Okay. Let's do this. Time to stop wondering and actually finding out," I said.