No Matter What

The Hardest Puzzle

After collecting ourselves, we went to the checkout counter. The receptionist handed us a referral for Oak Falls Pregnancy Specialists, the office of Dr. Andrew's older sister, and her husband, Dr. Khan.

"I scanned this in and am emailing it over now. They should be giving you a call in a day or so," the receptionist said.

"Oh...thanks," I said.

"Have a good day, you two. And drive safe! It's really coming down out there," she said.

I helped Connor get into my dad's car, then started driving us back to my house. The roads were definitely getting bad with all this snow coming down. It was looking like a winter wonderland out there. Normally I'd be excited because I loved snow and winter, but I was too anxious.

"You doing okay, babe?" Connor asked.

"I think you already know the answer to that question," I said.

I pulled into the driveway and helped Connor out of the car. He got out of the passenger's side slowly, then plopped down into his wheelchair while I held it. I was so terrified that he'd fall. It was my first time driving him someplace since the accident.

"See, no problem," he said.

"I know. I'm just worried about you."

"Hey," he said, taking my hand. "You're not allowed to worry about me anymore. Everything is about you. You, and the twins."

"That's way easier said than done," I said.

"For once, I actually agree with you." He started going up my driveway and towards the front door. "Are you coming? We've got a big puzzle to solve."

"Yeah. And it's probably gonna be ten times harder than that three-thousand piece one we did last year."

I pulled the magenta void out of the car, threw it over my shoulder, and shut the car door. We went inside, and I immediately felt nauseous from the smell of the garbage in the kitchen. By the pile of dishes in the sink, I knew Dad was late for work this morning.

"Can we talk while I clean?" I asked.

"Sure. I'm gonna raid your cabinets though," Connor said.

"That's expected, at this point."

I dropped the magenta void on the floor and got to work. I went over to the garbage can, gagged, tied the bag up, and ran it outside to the trash. When I came back in, I saw Connor rummaging through the lazy susan, since he couldn't reach the cabinet with the cookies anymore. I threw a new bag into the garbage and then started tackling the dishes. Along with two cups of chocolate pudding, Connor found a pen and a piece of paper to write on.

"What are you doing? Taking notes?" I asked, putting a dish in the bottom rack of the dishwasher.

"I'm making a strategy. As Assistant Coach, you know I have to draw out plays all the time. I think that's what we should do for this. Or at least, figure out a game plan on how we're going to do this."

"I'm listening. Just start talking," I said, scrubbing another dish.

"So I think the first thing we should do is figure out how to tell our parents. I'm sure neither of them will be thrilled about this."

I groaned. "I have no idea how my dad is gonna take this, honestly. Annie will probably take it even worse than him. But I don't want to be mooching off my dad, even though I can afford to. Then again, if they make it, diapers are probably gonna be so expensive for two babies."

"When they're born. Don't say if."

"Connor, you can't just ignore the fact that there's a good chance they won't make it. You literally can't."

"I just want to have something to look forward to, okay?" he said, his voice cracking.

I'd never seen him get emotional before, and it really freaked me out. I looked away and kept scrubbing the bacon grease off a pan that clearly wasn't going to fit in the dishwasher.

"After everything that's happened...this year has been so shitty. My whole future is altered. I know I've been really strong about it, but sometimes it gets to be too much. I'm not happy. I can't do most of the things I used to do. But having two little babies...two happy little things that I can love, and they'd love me right back no matter what—that's the one part of the future I'd always wanted that isn't going to change. Right now, no. Of course it's not a good time. But it's our time. It was meant to happen."

I looked over and saw that he was wiping his eyes with a napkin. I ran over and held him.

"I'm scared," I said.

"Me too," he said. "But we have to keep going. Let's figure out how we're going to tell our parents."

"Okay. Let's figure out the plan for our own game."

I got the dishwasher running, grabbed some pudding for myself, and sat down across from him.

"I think I'll write my dad a note," I said. "As we know, I'm a lot better at writing than speaking. Then once he sees the note, I'm sure he'll tell Annie."

"Do you want me to help you write it?" he asked.

"No. I can do this on my own," I said, putting a spoonful of pudding in my mouth.

He started jotting things down on the piece of paper. "Cool. Ayla will do a note, and I'll sit down with my parents and my siblings. What are we gonna do about school?"

I swallowed the pudding blob in my mouth and said, "Uh...go in tomorrow and not tell anyone."

Connor gave me his "are you serious" look. "I meant college."

"Fudge. I don't think either of us can go now, can we?" I sighed. "Bye bye to that. To be honest, I'm kinda glad I can't go. Big campuses like OFCC freak me out."

"And now you can sit in your room alone taking online classes."

"Bingo!" I said, raising my spoon in the air. "If that's even possible. I don't know how I'll pay attention and get work done with two babies in the background."

Connor rolled his eyes. "Anyway, one of the acceptances I got was for OFCC."

"You sure you want to go to community college?" I asked. "You got a scholarship to Adirondack U. It's a great opportunity. I don't want you to miss that."

"I'll go somewhere else."

"But at OFCC, there's no football team there for you to do things with."

"Just because I'm a football guy doesn't mean I don't like other sports. I know they've got teams for soccer, hockey, lacrosse, basketball..."

"But would you even have time to like, ref or coach if you're also doing classes and taking care of two babies?" I asked. "You probably wouldn't anyway, now that I think of it."

He sighed. "Even if I can't do sports things, I have to go to OFCC anyway. I can't be out of town if I have two kids."

"Okay, so write that down."

Connor's pen was going again. "Me...to...OFCC and Ayla...also to OFCC"

"I'll see what I can find that's online, and if I can't make it work, I'll just go part time," I said.

"Then that settles it." He said, scribbling on the piece of paper. He started a new line.. "Next, onto money."

"That's easy. We've got none," I said.

Connor let out a long sigh. "That's very true...this is gonna be harder than I thought."