No Matter What

All of My Love

I took a picture of myself in the mirror. Twenty weeks. I made it to twenty whole weeks with my special twins. I felt my baby bump in my bright red sweater dress. I couldn't believe how big I was getting. The other kids at school were starting to notice, but noise canceling headphones did wonders to drown out the names they called me in the hallway. Those, and the entire football team behind me.

Connor wanted me to get all dolled up for our date to the Obsidian tonight. He took me there for every special occasion, including Valentine's Day. I was ready for some dim lighting and a big, juicy steak.

I couldn't believe tomorrow would be my eighteenth birthday. I thought about driving cars and voting, maybe hanging out with Dani. I never imagined my life like this. I never imagined my life like any of this: without my mom, my sister pregnant with twins and getting married. Me being pregnant with twins but thankfully, not getting married. (Connor wanted to in the future, and I told him if he proposed to me before we graduated high school he was dead to me.) No way I was dealing with that.

I put my hair into a bun and grabbed the magenta void before leaving my empty house. My dad had a date with some girl he met off a dating app tonight. It was going to be their first date. On Valentine's Day. I knew he didn't want to be alone, so I understood it.

I got my boots on, then my winter jacket, and got into my minivan. I drove over to Connor's place and he came out in his winter jacket, holding two big present bags. Once he was all settled in the van, we made our way to the obsidian. I parked the car and Connor went down the side ramp, then we made our way into the restaurant. The hostess took us to our favorite table in the back, just like we always requested. It was in the corner and away from everybody.

"You look beautiful, as always," Connor said.

"And you look super handsome, as always," I said. We clinked our water glasses together and took a sip. "This is really it. Our last Valentine's Day together as somewhat regular teens."

"Eh. Regular and normal have different meanings for everyone," Connor said.

I didn't know how to answer, because I didn't know how to describe the emotions that suddenly hit me. Last Valentine's Day was really different from this Valentine's Day. Last year, his mom dropped us off and we walked in together. I was carefree and about to turn seventeen. No babies. No worries, other than my normal generalized anxiety.

I didn't want to seem bitchy, but looking at the other normal couples around us made me a little bit pissed off. They would never struggle anywhere close to what we would. They didn't have to plan a future with an adaptive van and an adaptive house. They wouldn't have to balance school with NICU visits.

"Ayla," Connor said, snapping me out of my thoughts. "You okay, babe?"

"Just...thinking about other people."

"How about we open some presents? That'll take your mind off things," he said, placing the first bag on the table.

I took it and removed the tissue paper. I felt so overwhelmed with emotions. I specifically asked no one to buy us clothes until I hit twenty weeks. These were the first teeny, tiny, preemie-sized outfits our boys would wear.

"Connor, I—"

"Did you notice all the little side snaps? I made sure to get all of the adaptive ones so they can get all of their monitors in," he said, giving me that grin that I loved so much. "What do you think?"

"These are so tiny!" I said, holding them in my hands. "They look like they're made for dolls, not actual babies."

"That's what my mom said," he said. "They're going to be really small when they're born, since they'll be here early."

I swallowed a lump in my throat. "What if that's in like...two weeks?"

"Relax, babe. They're not gonna be born at twenty-two weeks. We have time," he said, putting the other bag on the table. "Something for the boys, and something for you. Happy day-early birthday."

I blushed and took the bag. Inside was a brand new big magenta purse. But this wasn't just any magenta purse. It was exactly like my magenta void. My eyes were about to pop out of my head. My mom got me the magenta void at a store called Payless, which closed several years ago. The tag inside even had the Payless logo on it. It was the purse, not a replica.

"A new mom deserves a nice new purse," he said.

"Connor, where did you find this?" I asked.

"I searched high and low on the internet, and somehow I found it," he said.

"I can't even put into words how amazing you are sometimes."

"I try," he said. "I know it's not the specific purse your mom took off the shelf, but when you're ready, you can swap everything out. Don't feel like you have to do it now because I just got you a new one."

"Okay. When I'm ready I'll clean this out and move everything into my new one," I said, looking at the magenta void.

My OG purse was five years old and had been through hell and back. There was a tiny hole at the bottom I'd been preserving with duct tape. Some parts of it were sticky from spilled sodas and melted candy. The straps were frayed. It only made sense to get a new one...but this new one wasn't the one my mom gave me.

"You take as much time as you need," Connor said.

"Thanks babe," I said.

A girl who looked a little older than us suddenly walked up to the table. She seemed a little overwhelmed. I didn't blame her. This place was packed.

"Hey guys, how are you doing tonight? I'm Destiny, I'll be taking care of you," she said, a little out of breath. "Sorry. It's literally my first day at this place. I used to work at a restaurant that was really different from here."

"You're alright. It's no problem at all," Connor said.

"Thanks. So what can I get for you guys?" Destiny asked.

"We're going to go with the filet mignon for two," Connor said.

"Great. I'll get that out for you guys in a bit," she said, taking our menus and walking off.

I giggled and put my hand on the side of my baby bump. I'd been feeling this for a few days.

"You okay?" Connor asked.

"Yeah. This one has the hiccups again," I said. "I can feel the twitching motion." Connor came over and I placed his hand right where I was feeling it. "Nothing? Because I'm feeling it. Maybe in a few more weeks, if we make it that far."

"We will," he said, giving me a kiss on the cheek.

I smiled and kissed him back. Our version of normal was pretty difficult, but I had two cute little babies on the way and an amazing boyfriend who would always be there for me. My birthday was tomorrow and Annie's wedding was a month away. We'd be alright, even if things were a little crazy.