This Is How It Goes

Chapter Twenty One: A Realization in the Library

My fingers hover over my phone, they are apparently just as shocked as I am. I expected a lot of things after last night. I thought James might run away, ignore me. I thought maybe he’d try and persuade me that this was no big deal. He did coke every now and again, so what? I thought he might want to talk. I never thought he’d say sorry.

Although James has never really done anything I’ve expected him to. I shouldn’t be that surprised really.

Still, I stand outside Isaac’s room, completely shocked. I should move, leave before Isaac realizes I’m still here. But I can’t. I’m tired and cold and stunned. And dare I say it, just being outside his door makes me feel more at ease. There’s something about Isaac that is calming. And I’m addicted to it.

I read over the words again. We need to talk. I’m sorry.

Something bugs me about it, he doesn’t ask me to talk. He tells me we need to. But then there’s that apology, like a slap to the face, reminding me that maybe he isn’t that bad after all. Maybe I overreacted. Maybe.

Oh god. I’m such an idiot. I irritate myself sometimes. I really shouldn’t be allowed to interact with other human beings.

I look back at Isaac’s room and I imagine him sleeping. Peaceful, undisturbed. He’s so good to me, so kind. Suddenly I just want to be near him. I don’t want anything more than to be near him. Because when I’m near him I’m as far away from James as I could be.

So I ignore James text and slide down to a seated position. I don’t want to wake Isaac, and I still don’t want him waking up next to me in the morning. I just want to know that he’s close. So I sit, lean my head against the wall and wait for morning to come. Maybe if I sit here long enough I’ll forget I ever knew a boy named James Kitcher.

Sometime around four or five I fall asleep. Not something I had really planned on doing. Actually I’m not really sure exactly what my plan was. I just needed to be close to Isaac without letting him know that. But fatigue got the better of me eventually and what was meant to be a five minute nap turned into a proper lie in.

I wasn’t woken by a gentle, or I’ll admit a rather hard, shake of the shoulder by Natalie. Instead I was awakened by James pulling the door to his bedroom open and gasping loudly.

“Ahhh!” He hollers.

I sit up in surprise, straightening myself up and almost banging my head against the wall. “Ahh!” I holler back.

“What an earth?” Isaac whisper yells. “Kat what are you doing?”

I look around slightly dazed till my eyes focus on Isaac. He’s dressed for the day with jeans and a smart looking sweater and dress shirt ensemble. His hair is better styled than yesterday, though I do like the frazzled hands through hair look on him. He looks confused and slightly annoyed. Just slightly.

“I was umm…” I trail off trying to think of an excuse.

He stands there, waiting for a response. His face expectant and puzzled. I almost laugh.

The lie comes out in a rush, “I fell asleep last night with you and I went to leave but then I got a text and I sat down for a second out here and I must have fallen asleep again.” What I’ve said makes zero sense but Isaac just shakes his head.

“Kat you could have just stayed the night. It’s not like we were doing anything wrong.” He replies.

Weren’t we, I ask silently.

“I know, I was just so tired I wasn’t really thinking straight.”

“Clearly.” He closes the door behind him. “I’m going to go get some breakfast. Do you want to come with me?”