Love is a funny thing isn’t it? It’s strangely addictive, like exercise. The more you experience it the more you want it. But at the same time you hate it. It makes you breathless and dizzy and sweaty. It makes you want to rip all your hair out and beg for mercy. But then again, it makes you stronger, more resilient and as each day passes the effects begin to fade a little as you grow immune. So you have to switch it up, with a new lover or a new circuit. I think that’s what scares me most of all about love. It’s easy to get bored with it and still crave it. So instead of staying dedicated to the very one who has got you hooked in the first place you go out in search of someone new to satiate your terrible needs.
Maybe it’s a farfetched theory, but it’s the only way I can explain why I’m standing outside James’ apartment. I’m here because I’m running away from Isaac. The only other explanation is that James isn’t just some guy to me anymore. But that’s a far more frightening analysis.
I buzz for James to let me in. “Who is it?” Comes his voice.
“Kat.” I say, voice flat.
“Come up.”
I climb the stairs two at a time. Could it really be just a few days ago I was running up these stairs eager to see him?
He’s not waiting with the door open for me so I pull it open myself. I look around the room, trying to spot him. He’s sitting on his couch, looking less than put together.
Dark circles line his eyes, his hair is unwashed and sticks up in a thousand places. He doesn’t wear a shirt, just his uniform skinny jeans. He looks exhausted. His long legs stretch in front of him. He doesn’t look at me, not yet. I can smell nicotine. For a moment it smells good, can you become addicted to second hand smoke?
“James,” I greet.
He looks up at me and gives me a weak smile. “Kat.”
I don’t sit next to him on the couch, instead I lean against the wall across from him. I cross my arms, I haven’t bothered with taking my coat off.
“I didn’t think you’d come.” He says meekly. “You didn’t respond to my text for so long.”
I shrug and make sure I’m looking right at him when I speak. I want him to know I’m not afraid, I want him to know I see who he is. I think I’m the only person who’s ever seen who James is. A person. “I could say the same thing. I didn’t hear from you for a while as well. I was sure you’d kick me to the curb.”
“Three months ago I would have thought the same thing.”
“So, what does this mean? Are you sober right now?” I ask.
He looks up, “Yes. Kat I’ve been sober every time I’ve seen you.”
“Aside from when I found you sitting on the floor about to snort a line of cocaine.” I retort.
He sighs. “Aside from that.”
“You’re a smart guy James.” I begin. “Why would you get into something as idiotic as drugs? Please don’t tell me it was to be cool.”
He shakes his head and stands up, he looks skinnier than usual. I watch him as he comes towards me slowly, like I’m a wounded animal he doesn’t want to scare away. “It wasn’t. I’m not an addict, if that’s what you’re thinking. And the way you’re looking at me I can tell it is.”
“I don’t know what to think or believe.” I say curtly. “You’ve been hiding this from me the whole time we’ve been…doing whatever it is that we do.”
“I haven’t.” He argues. “I honestly don’t do it much. I promise you. It’s just something I turn to when I’m stressed or upset. But not often.”
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Romansa"Once upon a time there was a girl. She was an idiot. The end." Katarina Elizabeth Ryan, a self confessed heart breaker, lover of doughnuts and a worshipper of felines is about to have the strangest year of her life. College, the experience she's be...
