This Is How It Goes

Chapter 29: Lessons In Heartbreak

I hate him.

I love him.

I hate him.

I love him.

You know what's the stupidest thing I've ever read? That kissing a person you love is like breathing. What will you do when that person isn't around to kiss you? Suffocate. 

But that's what this feels like. Like James has been the one breathing air into my lungs this whole time. And now he's stopped. And I can't breathe.

I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I can't breathe.

I haven't cried over a boy in a long time. I guess I was saving it for this moment. But not even crying can make me feel better. Not when everything hurts. Everything.

Every time I close my eyes I see him. At first it was him and her. And then it was just him. Saying he loved me. Over and over again. He loves me. He loves me not. Because you don't hurt a person you love like this. You just don't. Whatever we had, it wasn't good. I know that now.

Is it even fair of me to be this upset? Haven't I been stringing Isaac along all semester without James having the slightest clue? No, no. Whatever I did isn't the same thing as him sleeping with Natalie. It's not. I tried not to let Isaac in. James didn't.

Around three am I call Lea. She's my best friend. Aren't best friends the sort of people you talk to when your sort-of-but-not-really-boyfriend cheats on you with your room mate?

Lea picks up on the second ring. Her voice, breathy and fast. "Kat? What's wrong?"

I choke on my words. How do I explain it to her? The hurt. The pain that rips through me. It's not possible. I never thought I couldn't explain something to my best friend. But the moment is here. And it's worst then you could ever imagine. "I did something stupid."

I hear her intake of breath. "Stupid? Kat, are you okay? Do you need me to call someone? What's happened?"

Something about her concern strikes me as hilarious. I begin to laugh. Loudly. "I'm not hurt." Lies.

Confused she says, "I don't understand. Kat you sound insane. Just tell me what the hell happened?"

"I let someone love me." I say tonelessly. "And I liked it."

"What? Last time we spoke you said you weren't seeing anyone." She exclaims.

"I lied." I snap, not maliciously more in exasperation than anger. "I thought it was nothing. I kept telling myself it was nothing. Guess I was wrong."

"Is it that Isaac guy?"

I shake my head, even though I know she can't see me. A lump beginning to form in my throat. "I wish. He... his name is James. We weren't dating. We were something though." Something toxic.

I can almost see her bewilderment. "You are not making any sense right now. Are you drunk? If you're drunk call me back later. I've got stuff going on right now too Kat and I don't need you calling me drunk about a boy."

Words. They can cut right through you, sharper than any knife.

I scowl. "Sorry to bother you then."