This Is How It Goes

Chapter Eighteen: Good People, Bad People

Want to get lunch?

It’s a simple request, not really something one would agonize over. Just one little harmless text. But it’s from Isaac. And nothing has ever really been simple with Isaac.

Still, I answered it with a Yes and tried not to think too much about it. It’s just food. Just two people getting food.

And all went well. For a moment or two. We met at one of the cafes on campus, both got coffee and toasted cheeses. We had an innocent little chat about the weather and the approach of October. Small talk. I’ve never really been good at small talk. Or regular conversation. I’m not very good at talking really. I’ve always used my body and written words as my weapon of choice.

I’d just come back from James’, we took the bus in together despite him not having a class till later. I knew I looked a mess, I hadn’t had time to shower so I smelt of sex and cigarettes. My hair was dishevelled, and not in a good way. I was wearing the same jeans from yesterday and a shirt James leant me. Isaac noticed.

Correction, he is now noticing. And I am now dying.

“Is… is that your shirt?” He asks peering at it a little bit closer. “Because I swear I’ve seen that in the men’s department in Target.”

I look down, face reddening, and brain scrambling. “Um I’m not sure.”

“You’re not sure if it’s your shirt?” He makes a confused face and smiles somewhat annoyed.

“Well… no it’s not mine.” Curse my inability to lie. “But I don’t know if it’s from Target.”

I should have just taken a plain white t-shirt, not this one with a print of some mysterious city that looks to be Berlin. But no, I thought it looked cooler. What an idiot I am.

“So whose shirt is it?”

I twist my mouth into a pucker. “It doesn’t really matter.”

He laughs once, short and sharp. “I don’t see why you’re being so evasive about a shirt.”

“I’m not.” I splutter. “Let’s drop it.”

He shakes his head, looking off into a far corner of the room. “It’s a guy’s isn’t it?”

I don’t say anything. How can he read me so well?

“Look Kat, I don’t care if you’ve got a boyfriend. Well I mean I do, because I’d like to be him I guess.” And then we both realize what he’s just said, Isaac’s face going beet red. “I… didn’t mean that. I just… I just meant that, if you’ve got a boyfriend you can tell me. I know you said you didn’t want one before but if that’s changed you can tell me.”

Some part of me is relieved. He’s a good person. He wants me to be happy even if it means sacrificing his own happiness.

“I haven’t got a boyfriend. It’s just a guy’s shirt that I know. He leant it to me, I had nothing else to wear.” Half-truth, half lies.

“Okay, no big deal then.” He says.

“No big deal.” I agree.

No. Big. Deal.

I’m beginning to think I’m a very bad person. I like Isaac a lot. In fact the more time I spend with him the more I begin to see why girls would jump into a relationship in their first year of college. I would do it for someone like him. I would. But I promised myself, I promised that I would not limit myself this year. So I’m not going to. But here I am, having coffee with someone that I like a lot. More than a lot. And only last night I was spending time with someone else that I like a lot too. In a different way. But the fact remains, I’m hurting Isaac. He doesn’t just want friendship with me. He wants a relationship. I knew that as soon as we ran into each other at that party. But I don’t want a relationship and I can’t be the girl that forgets a promise she made to herself because she met a nice guy. There are other Isaacs. And there are other girls that Isaac will like just as much as me. There are.