This Is How It Goes

Chapter Twenty Seven: Fool Me Once Shame On You

"Kat." Isaac calls. "Kat wait up okay?"

"Not now Isaac."

I have to find James and talk to him. I can feel my anxiety pressing on me like a weight. If I don't sort this out now it will crush me.

"Kat!" Isaac calls again.

I turn around and glare at him. "Isaac I know you're confused and I know you're hurt but so am I. I... I have to fix this. Okay? I need to fix it."

My voice catches on the last word. How am I meant to fix what James and I have when I can't even fix myself? Is it even worth it anymore? All we do is fight. We're at war with each other more than we're happy. How is that something salvageable?

I've stopped now. There's a few students milling about, staring at the girl who's on the verge of breaking.

"Kat," Isaac says once more, coming closer. "I want to help you. Let me help you."

"No. I can't do that to you." I run a hand through my hair and imagine pulling each and every strand out. "I just... I have to find him. And talk to him."

Isaac shakes his head and gives me a look so filled with sympathy that I could cry. "Kat I don't think he wants to talk. Give him some space. Guys aren't like girls. We need time on our own to process stuff. Give him a minute."

I hate to admit it but what he's said makes sense.

"Okay. Yeah, you might be right."

"Come on, let's go get coffee or something."

"No, no coffee. Caffeine is not what I need." I say shakily.

"What do you need then?"

"Booze."

"Kat no." Isaac sighs.

"There's a party at one of the frat houses tonight. We're going." I walk away before he can object.

****

"Kat, is this really how you want to be spending your Thursday night?" Isaac asks me.

I tilt my head back and press the bottle to my lips, letting the wine drizzle down my throat burning it's way down into the pit of my stomach. I come up for air, breathing heavy and eyes surely glassy. "Yes."

He rolls his eyes and leans his head against the cool tiles. Not many guys would do this for me, sit with me in a bathtub at one am when there is a roaring party happening in spitting distance. But Isaac, much to my dismay, would do anything for me. That much is evident. I wish he were more concerned for himself and not for me. And I'm too selfish to tell him so.

"This isn't like you." He shakes his head before looking at me sideways, his eyes lined with concern. "The Kat I know wouldn't miss a party so she could mope in the bathtub. A tiny bath tub I might add." As if to demonstrate his point he rearranges his long legs so that they fit somewhat better in the cramped space.

I drink from the bottle once more and glide my tongue over my teeth to get rid of any red wine stains. "Sometimes it's nice to feel miserable."

"But what over? Seriously Kat, is this James guy really worth it?" It's more an accusation than a question. The subtext is easy enough to read. He wants to know why I'd allow myself to self-destruct over James and not him. I'd want to know the same thing if the situation were reversed. But it's not. And I don't have to explain myself to Isaac again.

"I will decide what is worth me feeling abysmal over and what is not." I bite back.

He groans. "Why is everything a fight today Kat? I get it okay, I understand that you're feeling awful over what happened with James. But it was just one fight."