This Is How It Goes

Chapter Twenty Four: Father Dearest

I only remember having one truly wonderful day with my Dad. I never got to spend much time alone with him. He was always with Ronda and my brothers. He didn’t seem to realize I might want to get to know him on my own. Everything was about unity. Or maybe he just didn’t know how to handle me without other people around. Maybe he was as scared of silence as I am. So it was an exciting day whenever I got more than an hour alone with him. Just me and him.

It was a Saturday and I was nine. I’d spent the weekend at his house. They had this big tree in the back garden and it was perfect for climbing. That morning I went out there alone, before breakfast and began my assent into the greenery. I was a good climber, skinny and not too tall. I was able to weave my way through tiny spaces and cling onto branches not even my younger brothers could without snapping them. As I got closer to the top I slipped. I had never fallen before but I misjudged the strength of the branch and as it quivered under me I lost my grip on the branch I was hanging onto. I fell back and landed on my side. If I had fallen on my back I might have broken it. But I must have twisted in the air and ended up crashing on my left side. My arm broke in three places. The pain was excruciating. I screamed and screamed. It was only six thirty in the morning and a Saturday. Most people were still sleeping.

My father was the first to reach me. He came running. I’d never seen him run like that and not since. He looked terrified as he saw me withering on the ground in agony. I was nine and therefore everything felt more intense and I was less concerned with showing my emotions. I wallowed in my pain and wanted everyone to know.

He knelt by my side and in a panicked voice asked me what had happened. I was crying too hard to speak.

“It hurts.” I wailed.

“Where?” He said, looking me over but careful not to touch me. “Where does it hurt baby?”

He eventually got me to tell him what had happened and examined my arm as gently as he could. Ronda came down after a while in her trademark fluffy bathrobe. She looked tired. Ronda is older than my Dad, only by five years but it shows. She’s nice. But had never really been too keen on me. Mom said that even when I was just a toddler she looked at me like I might take Dad away from her.

Ronda tucked her mousy brown hair behind her ears and for once in her  life looked concerned for me. “What’s happened?”

Dad turned around to look at his wife and said, “She was climbing the tree and fell. I think her arm is broken.”

I saw as Ronda raised her eyes and pulled her robe tighter around her. “I knew that would happen one day. I told you we should have got it chopped down. I don’t want the boys going near it ever again.”

“That’s not really my top priority right now Ronda.” Dad had snapped. “Here, help me get her up. I need to get her to the hospital.”

“Do you want me to come?” Ronda sighed.

“No, you stay here with the boys. I can handle it.”

So Dad and I took off for the hospital. I sat in the back seat and cried the whole way. Dad played some calming music, it might have been classical but I didn’t notice. The truth was it hurt, it hurt like a bitch. But I was putting on the water works on for show once we got in the car. I was going to reap this for all that it was worth. I was nine okay, nine year olds with slack parents will do anything to stretch out even the briefest affection. I hadn’t seen my Dad this worried about me ever. I’d never seen him take this much notice of me. I never wanted it to end.

I’d always been told my Dad loved me. He said it, Mom said it and on occasion Ronda said it. I was reminded over and over again, your father loves you. But I never actually felt it. I never saw it in action. I never felt fully welcome in his new family. It was hard fitting into a family that was so picture perfect when you’re not even fit to appear on a catalogue. Sure my mother might be dysfunctional and her life might be messy but I never had an issue fitting myself into it and she always welcomed me along.