This Is How It Goes

Chapter Twenty Eight: Fool Me Twice, Shame On Me

This is how it goes.

He kisses you and you begin to realize that kisses are not oxygen. They are kryptonite. He touches your waist and breathes your name and in turn you whisper that you love him. He's so intoxicated by the moment that he doesn't bother to freeze. You roll around basking in the beauty of the night and you take him by the hand and ask him to be yours forever. And he laughs. And you begin to understand that sex is not a tool, or a weapon. Sex is sex.

That is how it goes.

And this is how it ends.

***

Is it sick that the only person I want to talk to about Natalie is Natalie? She has become one of my best friends this year. I have trusted her and let her trust me. I have come to like her, at least the Natalie that she presented to me. Not only have I been betrayed but I feel like I've lost someone. Old Natalie is dead and in her place is a twisted, revenge seeking maniac with the same face.

Natalie was one of the only people on this campus that liked me and I liked back. And I think she still does. She wants me to like her, stand with her in her fight against men. But I can't. She's not a good person. She's evil, right down the core. Something in her is tainted and I don't want to be the one to fix it. I cannot be the one to fix it. I'm over trying to save people, mother them. I just want to protect myself for once. I want to be selfish and admit to it. I don't want to associate with Natalie anymore not because she might hurt me, or because I might hurt her. I don't want to know her because I don't like her and I'm not in the habit of making myself miserable for another's benefit.

She scares me. That's all there is to it and no one ever deserves to waste their time being scared. Conquer your fears or run away. A decision is better than none at all. The in between is what will screw you over. Because there's no opportunity to make good or bad decision. Just this weird indecisive state where you are constantly trying to decide rather than do. I mean look at where it got Hamlet.

I don't hear from Natalie at all. To be fair I don't leave my room for two days. I miss classes and skip meals. But there is nothing I can do to pry myself from the comfort of my bed. The protection my bed room offers is too good to leave.

Strangely enough I'd expected Natalie to at least come back here and try and work things out. A bigger part of me expected her and Joe to burst through the door shouting "Fooled you!" And they'd explain that it had all been one big joke. And we'd laugh. But nothing of the sort happened. There was nothing. Nothing.

After three days of solitude I begin to feel myself going insane. The silence has become painful. I need to talk to someone about what's happened. I need to rationalise it and that's not happening when it's just me and a tub of Ben and Jerry's.

And there's only one person I really want to speak to right now. James didn't know Natalie the way Laurel or Max or even Isaac did. He met her once. He's objective. And I need him.

I take a bus to his apartment. I wear two pairs of socks because of how cold it is.

On the way there I try and brace myself for James slamming the door in my face. I'd like to think any bad blood between us has vanished but knowing James he'll still be pissed. I just need him to let me speak for two seconds. His curiosity will hopefully get the better of him. He may not want to speak to me but he'll want to listen about Natalie. Not even he could have seen the curve ball she threw.