no more stars to find || billie eilish

four.

My whole life I've been sad. Yeah, sure, there were some highlights in my life. Persons who showed me some light and made me not want to give up. But it's never been fully bright. It's like being in a big dark tunnel you walk through, feeling like it's never going to end, but then, in the distance, you see some light. That tunnel is my life, that little bit of light are my dad, my brother, Nora and Billie.

The minute dad left this earth, the tunnel became fully dark again. Like there was a huge traffic jam of big cars and trucks, stopping me from being able to reach the end of the tunnel. Then there was Nora, and then my brother, and then Billie. They made that traffic jam go away, slowly. God, and every time one of them is sad or they leave or they hurt me, the tunnel fills itself with cars again. I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to reach the end of that tunnel.

I get out of bed, eat something, take Jimmy for a quick walk and then get into my car. It's around 12.55PM which seems like a good time for Billie to go to that press thing of hers, right? Let's see.

I arrive at her house, get out of my car and ring the doorbell. I nervously start playing with my rings, secretly hoping that Billie is for real not here. Because if she is, that'll mean that she lied to me. After a few seconds, someone opens the door. "Hey, Maggie."

"Megan? What are you doing here?"

"Is Billie home?", I ask while trying to look inside.

"Um..." She looks down, clearly not knowing what to say.

"Maggie? I just want to talk to her, that's all. Please."

She sighs and fully opens the door for me. "Fine. She's in her room."

"Okay. Thanks." I go inside and immediately walk to her room. The door is already slightly open, so I just go in. I see her laying on her bed, her room is fully red because of the led lights. "I thought you had 'press and shit'", I say, making her sit up in her bed. I couldn't exactly see what she looked like because of the red light, but she clearly had been crying.

"What are you doing here?", she asks with a shocked expression on her face.

"Didn't expect me here, huh?" I close the door behind me and walk closer to her bed. "Have you been crying?"

"No." She quickly wipes a tear from her right cheek, sitting against her dashboard. "What is it, Megan?"

"What do you think, Billie?" She looks down and starts playing with her rings like she always does when she's nervous. Then she shrugs, running her hand through her hair. "Oh, so it's normal to you to ignore someone for a whole week out of nowhere?" No answer. "Jesus christ, Billie, what the fuck is going on?! I've been fucking sad this whole week. I haven't slept for days because I kept thinking about what I possibly could've done that made you want to stop talking to me."

"Megan–"

"I'm fucking worried about you, Billie. I'm worried about us."

"Megan, I can explain."

"Alright. Please do. Go ahead. Explain it." I sit down on the other side of her bed, waiting for her to start talking.

"I–" She sighs, pursing her lips. "It's... I can't. I can't tell you."

I laugh sarcastically, throwing my hands in the air. "Oh, great. Awesome."

"Megan, there's a reason I can't tell you." I look at her, raising my eyebrows. "It's... it's gonna ruin what we have."

"Oh my god, do you even know how stupid you sound right now, Billie? The only thing that's going to ruin what we have, is you ignoring me. Fuck, you've been so distant for the past week, I hate it." We look at each other, Billie's eyes filled with tears. I wait for her to say something, but after a minute of just staring, I decide to get up.

"Wait, Meg, please–"

"I thought we had something, Billie." I hear her mumble something under her breath, but I'm not able to hear the exact words. "I'll see you around." I turn around and leave the room, slamming the door behind me.

- BILLIE'S POV -

"...It's not my fault", I whisper softly while looking down at my lap.

"I'll see you around", she says. And with that, she leaves the room, slamming the door behind her. The minute the door closes, tears start streaming down my face.

I never meant to hurt her. God, hurting her is the last thing I wanted to do. But it's not my fault. It's not my fault my stupid management won't let me hang out with her anymore.

They told me to stop hanging out with her, or at least stop being so touchy and shit. After seeing me with her at that festival a week ago, kissing and hugging, they gave a long ass speech about how it'll have consequences for my career and if I don't stop being with her, they'll drag her out of my life themselves. And oh my god, I don't want that. I'd rather keep her in my life as a friend instead of not having her in my life at all.

I know it's not fair to just ignore her, not letting anything know, lying to her about the fact that I couldn't hang out. I know it's wrong. But I just needed some time to think. I want to be with her, more than anything. I'm so in love with her, I didn't know it was possible. But staying in a relationship with her will mean losing her. And not being in a relationship with her will mean being friends, which is also hard, because I swear, every time I look at her I just want to grab her by her face and press my lips against hers. But it's the only way she won't be fully cut out of my life. Forever.

I quickly lay down in bed, pulling my blanket over my whole body when I hear my mom knocking on the door. "I love you", she whispers when she opens the door. I pretend to be asleep. I don't feel like talking to anyone right now.

I had told my parents, Finneas and Claudia immediately about the stupid speech my management had given me at the festival. Tears fell down my face as I told them I wasn't allowed to be with Megan anymore. They didn't really know what to say. Claudia did tell me the other day that she thought it was fucking stupid that they are telling me who I should date or not. And she's right. It's not for them to decide that shit. It's my life. These are my feelings. And you can't stop me from feeling these feelings. It's not fair. And you know what? I won't let them.

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