no more stars to find || billie eilish

one.

For her to stay with me. That's all I've ever wanted. All I've ever needed, really. A life without her is something I could never have imagined. A life without her smile, a life without her touch. She promised me she'd stay. But here I am, saying goodbye to her. The person who healed my heart. The person who gave life to what was dead. But now she's gone and she will not come back.

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- MEGAN'S POV -

I remember the days after my dad's passing all too well. I'd cry myself to sleep every night, knowing that he's not coming back. Since my brother left me and my mom didn't give a shit about me, I was alone. Alone in my room, not having anyone to comfort me. Of course there was Nora who would come over sometimes, but she wasn't there every day.

The past two to three years have been the hardest and darkest years of my life, yet it also brought me one specific person who made it a bit brighter. Billie. I have her now. She's the one who comforts me every time I cry myself to sleep. She's the one I can talk to about what's bothering me. She's there, every day. She basically lives with me.

The first few weeks after Nora found out about us have been hard. Though she's so happy for me and Billie, there's still her feelings that can get in the way sometimes. She'd sometimes get jealous and almost mad when she sees me and Billie kissing or hugging.

She once flipped out and left while we were having a sleepover, not letting anything know for two days. She then came to apologize, telling us that it's not our fault and that she didn't mean to snap at us. We sat on my couch together, her hands in mine. 'It hurts, Meg', she had said after I asked her what's been on her mind. 'She loves you, not me. And that hurts.' I know it does. I can't imagine being in love with someone, but instead of loving you, they love someone else.

Nora has been hiding how she felt about us for weeks, I could see it every time the three of us would hang out. I know she wants to be happy for us, but it's so hard to be when all she wants is for Billie to love her. And I want her to know that I'm not mad, and that it's okay to lose it sometimes, because that's what love makes you do. 'I'm happy for you guys, truly. I love you, you know that. And all I want is for you to be happy, I just...' I wrapped my arms around her, kissing her head softly. 'I know', I had said. 'And I want you to know that it's okay. It's okay to feel sad and it's okay if you're not fully ready to see us together. We could stop hanging out for a while. The three of us together, I mean.' So that's what we did.

It's been three weeks now since the three of us hung out together for the last time. Nora told me that maybe she'll be able to get over Billie when not seeing her for so long, though I think we both know it doesn't go that easily. So, for the past three weeks I'd either be at Billie's house, or she at mine and Nora wouldn't be there. Or I'd be at Nora's house, or she at mine and Billie wouldn't be there. Today is the first time they'll see each other again. Billie is performing at 'Life is beautiful' this weekend and she had asked us to come.

"You ready?", I ask while grabbing everything I need for today. I can't wait to finally see Billie perform live. I also can't wait to have that festival feeling again which I haven't felt ever since dad left.

Nora sits on my bed while tying her shoes. "Okay, I'm ready." She gets up, a small smile formed on her face. She looks excited, genuinely. And I'm happy about that. I hate that the three of us haven't been able to hang out for so long. I hope things will get better after this day.

"Jason should be here any minute." I asked my brother to come over and take care of Jimmy when we're gone. He now has his own apartment here in LA, not too far away from mine. I'm happy for him that he finally found his own place, but I also do miss him sometimes, I'm not gonna lie.

Just when I'm about to call him to ask him where he is, I hear a knock on the door. I quickly open it, hugging my brother tightly. "I've missed you", I say while pulling back.

"Missed you too, sis." He gives me a kiss on my cheek and walks inside. Jimmy immediately runs up to him, jumping against his body. "Hey, you."

"Hello, Jason", Nora says with a straight face. She and Jason don't have the best relationship. Well, Jason wants to be friends with her, but she doesn't. She still thinks I forgave him too early for leaving.

"Hey, Nora." She stares at him, and oh my god, if stares could kill.

"Anyways", I interrupt, clearing my throat. "Let's get going? We're already kind of late."

"Yeah, let's go." Nora grabs her jacket and walks out of the apartment.

I purse my lips, looking at Jason. "Sorry about that."

"That's okay. I'm aware of what I've done, and I get that she's still angry because of it. It shows how much she cares for you."

I smile, looking down. "Thank you for doing this, by the way."

"Any time." He wraps his arms around me, my chin resting on his shoulder. "Now go have fun", he says while pulling away again.

"Okay. Bye."

"Bye."

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Festivals. Concerts. They're my happy place. Literally. Take me to one of them when I feel down and it'll always find a way to cheer me up. Leaving early with your friends so you'll be front row. Sitting in the train or car together, talking about your favorite artist. Waiting in line with people around you who are there to watch the same person perform. Being in the same room with your favorite artist, screaming the lyrics to their songs. Making eye contact with them once in a while, or being able to touch their hand. It makes me happier than anything else.

My dad used to buy me tickets every time there was a concert or festival of my favorites. He'd bring me and Nora to the location and he'd pick us up again once it was done. God, how I miss that man.

Screaming when I park my car, Nora opens the door and jumps into the air. "Well, someone's happy today", I say, slamming the car door and locking it.

"Of course I am! We're finally going to a festival again." She sighs out of excitement and looks at me. "Come on, we're late!" She grabs my hand and drags me with her.

I love seeing her happy. It's been a while since I've seen it. I mean, she's been smiling, but I haven't seen her this happy in like, two months. It's all that matters, really. Her happiness. Not mine. Hers.

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