no more stars to find || billie eilish

seven.

Billie has been staying with me for the past three days because she didn't want me to feel alone. I told her I'll be fine since I'm used to it, but she insisted.

After leaving dad's graveyard the other day, we all went to Taco Bell, for once not me who had to make the burritos. I've been working so much lately, I could actually not see any tacos or burritos anymore. But, I know both Billie and Nora love to go there, so I didn't mind.

The relationship between Nora and Billie became better, I'd say. It's less awkward and there's less jealousy from Nora when they're together at least. I'm happy about that. I just hated seeing Nora like that. I know I've said this plenty of times already, but I hate seeing her unhappy. And especially when the reason she is unhappy, is me. Well, it's not specifically me this time, but you get what I mean. It's hard. But thank god it's going better between them now. All I want is for the three of us to be able to hang out, without any jealousy or awkwardness.

"What's on your mind?", Billie asks when we lay in my bed, rubbing her thumb against my cheek.

"Nothing."

"Come on, tell me. There must be something on your mind."

I sigh, looking at the ceiling. "You know... sometimes I wish I could just.. fall asleep and never wake up."

"N–no–you don't meant that."

I look at her, my eyes slowly traveling down to her lips. "I do, Billie."

She shakes her head worriedly. "Don't you dare leave me, Meg."

"I'd never leave you."

"Do you promise?"

"I promise."

It's true. Sometimes I wish I just stopped breathing. Sometimes I wish I never existed. Sometimes I wish I could just go to the future to see if in the end it's all worth it. Would anyone miss me once I'm gone? I know there are some people. But, does that stop me from wanting to leave? No. Will I have the courage to really go for it, though? Also no. Because there are some people who make it worth it. And I don't ever want them to think that it's their fault, you know? I don't want them to think their love wasn't enough to make me stay.

But sometimes I wish it didn't matter, that people didn't care. Because then I would be able to just go without breaking people's hearts. But the thing is, it will. It will break people's hearts. Leaving means hurting the ones who love me, and I care too much about them to make them go through that kind of pain. I've felt it myself with dad, and no one else ever deserves that. You know, I'm really not here for me. I'm here for them. The people who care for me and make life worth living.

-

"Morning", I hear a soft voice behind me say. Billie wraps her arms around my waist from behind and kisses my cheek while I'm making us some breakfast.

"Morning." I can't help but giggle as she buries her face into the crook of my neck, leaving small kisses.

She then turns me around, forcing me to look at her. Placing a hand on my cheek, she smiles at me which I can't help but smile back to. "Are you okay?" Let's just say I cried last night. A lot. After that conversation me and Billie had I couldn't help but let the tears escape from my eyes.

I nod, booping her nose which makes her giggle. I walk past her to the fridge, laughing softly.

"What are you laughing at?", she asks.

"Nothing."

"Oh come on, tell me."

I open the fridge and take out a pack of apple juice. "It's just... you claim to be all bold and shit, but actually you're just really soft."

"Am not!"

"Yes, you are."

While I'm still looking inside the fridge for some other food I could use for breakfast, I hear Billie walk toward me. She grabs me by my arm, turns me around, closes the fridge and pushes me against it. "I am not soft", she whispers, our lips brushing against each other.

"Just admit it, Eilish. You're a softie."

She smiles shortly and looks down at my lips while licking her own. "We'll see about that." Before I could say anything she smashes her lips against mine, her hand grabbing my neck.

After a while we pull away again, both out of breath. "Still think I'm a softie?", she asks.

I purse my lips, nodding. "Yep."

"What?"

"There's nothing wrong with being a softie, Billie. I like it, actually. You're like... super cute." She looks at me, putting on a fake angry face which makes my heart flutter. "You're a softie with a, you know... hot side."

"Mmm. Alright, fine. I guess I could live with that."

I giggle, looking into her eyes. "You're so dramatic."

"You're so dramatic", she mocks, sticking out her tongue which makes me laugh softly.

"I love you, though", I say. She smiles while looking deep into my eyes. "Alright, now can I please finish breakfast? I'm hungry."

"Of course ma'am", she says while taking a step aside so I could walk back to the kitchen counter. While passing her I give her a small kiss on the tip of her nose which makes her chuckle. "Oh, and, I'm only a softie for you, though."

"Of course you are", I say, smiling while cutting some strawberries and putting them into a bowl.

"So, what you makin'?", she asks while sitting down at the table.

"Pancakes with strawberries." I turn around and place the plate with the pancakes on the table. "And yes, they are gluten free and vegan."

"You're the best." I grab two glasses and pour in some apple juice. "Now give me a kiss." Her eyes already closed and her lips ready to be kissed, she takes my hand and pulls me closer to her. I press my lips softly against hers which makes her smile. "I love you", she says when we pull away again. I smile, look her into the eyes for a while and then sit down at the table as well.

"Now eat, you soft baby."

"Shut the fuck up."

I wish I could stay right here in this moment, forever. Eating breakfast with Billie, no worries about anything else for a while. My head is always so full of so many different sorrows, but right now, they're all gone. She always makes them go away. I don't know how she does it, but it works.

God, she means so much to me, I don't know how to ever explain her. I've told her plenty of times already, but even saying 'I love you' or 'I care for you' a million times wouldn't be enough to show her the love I have for her. It's beyond words, the way I feel about her. There's no right sentence or word that'll be able to explain it. I just love her so much. And I wanna be with her, forever.

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