no more stars to find || billie eilish

three.

You know what the thing is? I didn't even get the chance to not fall for Billie. She had my heart before I could say no. She came without warning and it scared me. It scared me what I would do for her, and it still does today. I wasn't looking for love, yet I still can't imagine what I would do without it now. I cannot and do not want to imagine a life without Billie. We've known each other for a while now, and I've never been this in love before.

It's been a week since we went to the festival, and Billie hasn't talked to me in person ever since. We've only been texting, that's it. Every time I ask her if she could come over or if I could come to her, she'd come up with a stupid excuse. She's been so distant, and I hate it. We usually hang out at least four times in a week, but this week, not once.

As you probably already know, I'm an overthinker. I overthink everything. So yes, I started overthinking this as well. What could possibly had happened that made Billie want to stop hang out with me? Did I say something? Or do something? Did I make her feel uncomfortable? Or was it Nora who did or say something? I have no idea. No clue. And it fucking sucks. I hate how she just randomly stopped talking to me like it's the most normal thing in the world. At the festival she was all touchy and shit, but now? Nothing.

I haven't told Nora about this because I don't think she'll be interested. I mean, I'm sure she cares about my feelings, but I don't want to bother her with this. It's been hard enough for her already. That's why I asked my brother to come over today. I really need to get this off my chest.

"What's up, Meg?", Jason asks when I hand him his coke. I sit down next to him at the table, looking down at my hands. "Meg?"

"It's Billie."

"What about her?" I shrug, still not making eye contact with him. My eyes become teary, making the world around me blurry. "Megan, hey. You can tell me." He places his hand on my arm, rubbing it softly.

"She's just... been incredibly distant."

"How come?"

"I don't know. That's the whole thing", I say, raising my voice a little bit. "She–she was all happy and shit at that festival we went to a week ago. She hugged me, kissed me, but after that? Nothing. It's like she fucking disappeared or something."

"So, you haven't talked to her since the festival?"

"Not in person, no. We've texted, but, that's it. Besides, her text messages have been fucking dry, too." I bury my face in my hands, letting out a frustrating groan. "God, I hate this shit!"

"Hey, it's okay." He takes my hand but I pull away out of anger.

"No, Jason, it's not!" I soon regret yelling at him like that, knowing that it's obviously not his fault. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to raise my voice."

"It's okay." He looks at me, smiling, and he rests the back of his hand on the table, letting me know I can take it if I want. So that's what I do. "What's on your mind, Meg?"

"A lot of shit. And all that shit has something to do with Billie. Fuck, what if I hurt her? What if I said or did something that hurt her and now she fucking hates me?"

"I'm sure that's not true."

"You don't know that." He sighs, licking his bottom lip. "Maybe she fell out of love. Oh my god, Jason, what if she did?"

"Megan. Stop." He places his hand under my chin, turning my head so that I'm looking at him. "She loves you. I know she does."

I shake my head, laughing sarcastically. "Then why is she doing this to me?" I sniff, rubbing the tears off my face.

"I think you should talk to her. Like, in person."

"I can't. She doesn't want to. Every time I ask her if I could come over, she says no."

"Then don't ask her."

I look at him with raised eyebrows. "What?"

"She can't say no then, can she?"

I shrug. "I guess."

He smiles while putting a strand of hair behind my ear and rubbing another tear from the side of my face. "You really can't see it, huh?" I look at him, waiting for him to continue. "The way she looks at you isn't the same way she looks at others."

-

billie🤍

can i come over tomorrow?
Delivered

I'm laying in bed with music in my ears. Jason left around 11PM. I know he told me I shouldn't ask her if I could come over or not, but I just want to fuck with her. I'm so sad and angry right now, it's driving me insane. It's not fair to just ignore me like that out of nowhere.

My music gets interrupted by the sound of a notification, so I quickly see if Billie responded. She did. And am I surprised about the answer? Not at all.

billie🤍

i can't tomorrow, i'm sorry
press and shit

Well, guess what? I'm still coming. Let's see if she really has 'press and shit' to do.

-

I haven't been sleeping ever since Billie basically started ignoring me. I've been thinking and thinking and thinking in the middle of the night. What could I have done? What could have happened that made her want to act so distant from me? A week ago she made it seem like I was the only thing in the world that mattered. But now? It's like she doesn't even know I exist.

I though it'd be her and me until the end, you know? I might sound crazily dramatic right now, because yes, there is a chance that she just needs some alone time and will be back to her old self again later, but why doesn't she just tell me that, then? She knows I'm always here to talk. She can tell me anything. If she wants me to come over, I will. If she wants me to leave her alone for a while, sure, I'll let her be. But it's not fair to suddenly start ignoring me without telling me why. It's confusing and it scares me. And I'm worried. Worried that it's going to have consequences for our relationship.

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