no more stars to find || billie eilish

thirteen.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know why I'm being so stupid and I don't know why this aching feeling in my chest won't go away. He's just a friend. I know he is. That's the stupidest thing about all this. 

I'm sitting on the toilet, my hands tangled in my hair as my elbows are leaning on my legs. I don't know for how long I've been here, but it's been long enough for Billie to come check up on me. 

"Meg?", she says, knocking on every door. "Meg, where are you?" Then she knocks on my door which makes me inhale sharply. "Megan, please come out so we can talk."

"I don't want to talk", I say softly, sniffing. 

"B, please." I hear her sighing, followed by a long silence. "There are people waiting to use the toilet, Megan. Just–don't take too long, okay?" And with that I hear her leaving the restroom. 

- 

After a few minutes I decide to go out. I'm not ready or in the mood to face Billie right now, but I can't stay here forever. Faces are directed at me as I open the door. I quickly wash my hands and leave the restroom, sighing loudly when I hear a voice behind me say my name. I close my eyes, take a deep breath and turn around. 

"Where's your friend?" is the first thing I say when Billie comes to stand in front of me, hoping she would just forget about all this and let it go.

"He left, he–had to be somewhere." She scans my face the same way she did the first time we met. Then her eyes meet mine. "Megan, what's wrong?" 

I look down, playing with my rings. Then I take a deep breath and sigh. "Nothing."

Billie raises her eyebrows, letting out one of those laughs she does whenever she is angry, sad or disappointed. "Nothing? It didn't seem like nothing."

"Can we just–go back to the house?"

"Meg–"

"Please? I wanna go back."

She stares at me, sighs and says: "Fine. Let's go back."

- 

The ride home we didn't say anything to each other. I noticed Billie smiling at her phone a few times, which made me want to scream in her face. I know it's not fair to assume things. She can have friends. It's just–she seemed really happy when I saw her with him this afternoon. Happy like she is with me. Smiling like I make her smile. Maybe it's just hard to accept that I'm not the only one who can make her happy like that. 

The taxi stops in front of our house and I get out immediately, slamming the door and running into the house. I could hear Billie thanking the taxi driver behind me before shouting my name again. I always love it when she says my name, but I don't like the way it sounds now. The way she screams it, I can hear annoyance in her voice. 

I don't respond. I run up the stairs, opening the door to our bedroom, but Billie is just in time to grab me by my arm and turn me around. "Megan", she says again, pain running through my body. "Please. Talk to me."

I get myself out of her strong grip, taking a step back. Looking at the ground as I feel my eyes get stingy I ask: "Do I make you happy?"

She stares at me as if I just asked the most impossible question. "Of course you make me happy." I swallow. "Why?", she asks.

"Because I'm scared." My eyes are still planted on the ground, feeling too much to be able to make eye contact with her right now. "I'm scared that someday someone else will make you happy the way I make you happy. And that you'll get tired of me and you'll leave."

"Megan–", Billie says, taking a step closer. "I'm never gonna leave." I don't say anything. "Is this about Liam?" I breathe in sharply, my eyes never leaving the ground, even though I can feel Billie is trying her best to make me look at her. "God–I can't believe that thought even crossed your mind. You really think I would do that to you?"

I shrug. "I mean–we feel what we feel, right?"

"I feel for you. And no one else", she says, making me finally look up at her. "It's always you, Megan. I thought you'd know that by now." 

I bite my lip, closing my eyes and sighing. "I'm just scared", I say as I open my eyes again, my heart skipping a beat when I see Billie standing closer to me now. 

She places a hand on my cheek, rubbing it softly with her thumb. "I know you are. And it's okay to be scared." She lifts up my head as I start to look down again. "Hey", she says, my eyes meeting hers. "I'm scared sometimes, too. Love is a really scary thing if you think about it." 

I nod. "Tell me about it."

She smiles, making my stomach explode with butterflies. "But I don't want you to feel like you can't tell me when you're scared. Because you can always tell me, Megan." She leans forward, placing her forehead against mine. "Okay?"

"Okay", I whisper, closing my eyes as I breathe in her scent. 

Together we stand there for a while and then Billie cups my face with both hands and she kisses my forehead, the tip of my nose, both of my cheeks and then my lips. It's my favorite feeling in the whole world, her lips against mine. It makes me feel safe and warm. She makes me feel safe and warm in a way no one else has ever done or ever will. 

"I love you so much", she says after pulling away, her forehead against mine again. 

I love you more, I want to say. I love you more than anything or anyone else on this earth. And that's why I'm so scared. I'm scared that someday we'll have to leave each other for whatever that reason might be. And I'm scared because I know I won't survive that. But instead I say: "I love you, too."

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