no more stars to find || billie eilish

six.

It's been three years. Three whole years since my favorite person left me. The person who made my life worth living, no matter how hard it got. The person who would do anything for me, even if that meant giving up his own happiness. The person who loved me the most. Dad. I miss him every day.

I never in a million years would've thought I had to say goodbye to him so early. It's not how it's supposed to go, at least. You're supposed to be able to live your life until you're like, eighty plus or something, but here I am, starting year three without him.

The thing is, I didn't lose him once, I lose him over and over again. I lose him every time I pick up an old t-shirt of him that I find somewhere in my closet. I lose him every time I hear his favorite song on the radio, or when I feel alone at night and he's not there to comfort me. I lose him every time someone tells me about their dad while I have to tell them that mine isn't here anymore. I lose him always, every single day, and it hurts. It hurts so bad.

I get out of bed, trying not to wake Billie up. She stayed here last night after the whole 'make up session'. "Morning", I hear her say with a raspy voice. I turn around and look at her cute morning face. I swear she always looks gorgeous.

"Morning."

"What's up?" God, she always knows when there's something wrong with me, even if I try to hide it. She sits down and takes my hand, a concerned look on her face.

I shrug. "It's just... a hard day today."

"Why?"

"It's been three years since dad died."

"Oh god, Megan. Come here." I lean in and rest my head on her chest. "Is there anything specific you always do on this day?", she asks while running her fingers through my hair.

"I go to his graveyard." Today is the only day in the year I get myself to go there. I just can't the other days. I wish I could, but I can't. It's too hard. But on this day I just feel like I have to, you know? He deserves it, a visit from his daughter. I always take flowers with me and tell him a short story about what's been going on in my life.

"Okay. Do you want me to bring you?" I just nod, because I know that when I say another word, I'll break down. She kisses my head softly and rubs the back of my hand with her thumb. "Let's go."

-

We arrive at the graveyard, and I already feel a sting in my heart by just looking at it. Nora came with us, because after all, dad was also kind of a parent to her. She has known him her whole life, so ever since he died we've been going to his graveyard together on this day. Together we get out of Billie's car, her hand in mine.

"I'll be waiting here", Billie says.

"Don't you wanna come?", I ask.

"I mean, if you want me to come then I will."

"I want you to come. I'd like to introduce you to him."

She smiles and gets out of the car as well. She takes my hand and squeezes it softly. "Okay. Let's go then."

Soon we arrive at his stone that's full of flowers, mostly dead ones. I just wish I had the courage to come here more often so I could renew the flowers every once in a while. But I just don't.

I kneel down and place the new flowers next to the stone, removing the old dead ones. Nora also brought some flowers which she places next to mine.

We just stand there for a while, not saying anything. Tears are falling down my cheek as I read the text on the stone.

In loving memory of our dear
ROBERT THOMAS SMITHS
28 January 1966 - 15 July 2018

Those we love don't go away,
they stay beside us every day.
Unseen, unheard but always near.
Still loved, still missed and very dear.

Nora takes my hand and interlocks our fingers while tears fall down her face as well.

"Can I have a minute, please?", I ask after we stood there for a while. Both Billie and Nora nod, they give me a kiss on the cheek and leave.

I sigh while I fall down on my knees. "I miss you dad."

I remember the day of his funeral all too well. Jason wasn't there and neither was mom. I still hate them for that. I mean, it's your fucking dad and ex husband for fuck's sake. Yes, my mom and dad might not had the best relationship after their divorce, but it's still a man you spend a huge time of your life with.

All I did was cry that day. Seeing him in his coffin with a pale face made my heart break into a million pieces. The man who used to be so happy all the time, laying there with no movement. I don't think I've ever felt so much pain before as I did on the day of my dad's funeral.

I gave a small speech for as far as I could, because before I even knew it, I broke down again.

You never said 'I'm leaving',
you never said 'goodbye'.
You were gone before I knew it,
and only God knew why.

A million times I needed you,
a million times I cried.
If love alone could've saved you,
you never would have died.

In life I loved you dearly,
in death I love you still.
In my heart you hold a place,
that no one else could ever fill.

It broke my heart to lose you,
but you didn't go alone.
For part of me went with you,
the day God took you home.

That's what I read for him, next to a bunch of other things about everything he has ever done for me.

"I'm doing okay, dad", I say while rubbing my hand over the stone. "Better than ever, actually. That girl who was just with me, that's Billie. She came into my life a few months ago and ever since that day life has been a lot brighter. And guess what? We're in love." I smile softly while a sob escapes my mouth.

"Oh, and Nora? She's doing alright. We've been in a hard situation recently, but we're okay. Her mom is fine, too. It's been scary, since she has something on her heart, as you might know. A few weeks back she had to go to the hospital again." I look down and sniff. "Promise me something, dad. If her mom is on the verge of dying, tell her to go back, okay? Tell her to not enter heaven yet, because Nora needs her. More than ever right now. She can't lose her, she has gone through too much already lately."

I get up, wiping the tears off my face. "Alright, I'm gonna go now. I love you, dad. Always." I kiss the tip of my fingers and place them on his stone. Sighing sadly, I leave the graveyard, heading back to Billie's car.

"You okay?", Billie asks when I sit down on the seat next to her. I nod and lean in to rest my head on her chest. She kisses my head, resting her chin on it afterwards.

Nora gets out of the backseat and opens the front door of the car. She wraps her arms around me as a tear falls down her face. "I miss him, Meg", she whispers.

I place my hand on her cheek, rubbing it softly. "I know, Nor. Me too."

-