no more stars to find || billie eilish

eight.

- BILLIE'S POV -

I want to make her happy. I want her to be around me and see her smile. And if she doesn't feel like smiling that day, I'll try everything I can to make her feel safe and loved. It's what she always does for me, at least. Making me feel loved and safe.

I don't know how she keeps up with me sometimes. I can be incredibly annoying or irritating. Sometimes I get so annoyed by myself or because of something that happened that I take it out on her. And that's not fair. I know it's not. But the thing is, she is always there. She is always there to comfort me when I have a bad day.

'God, I hate myself so much', I had said a few days back. Let's just say that day wasn't my best one. 'Why do you put up with me, Meg? I don't understand. You're literally wasting your time.'

'No I'm not.' She sat closer to me, placing both of her hands on my cheeks. 'Why can't you see it, Billie?' She looked me deep into my eyes, smiling softly. 'You're the most beautiful girl I know. And I don't know why you're worried about me putting up with you, because... I love you and I'm going to love you in the future no matter what happens.'

'But–Megan, I can behave so annoyed towards you sometimes, I–'

'I know you don't mean it. Besides, that's part of who you are. Yes, I fell for you because of those beautiful eyes, and that beautiful smile of yours. I fell for you because of your humor and the way you care for people. But I also fell for that part of you. I fell for all of it.'

Never in my life before has someone I fell in love with made me feel this loved. The way she always knows what to say to make me feel better, it blows my mind. I owe her my life, really.

"Finneas, Finneas, Finneas." I run into his living room after Claudia let me in, jumping next to him on the couch.

"Hey, Bil. What's up?", he asks while placing his glass of water on the small table in front of us.

"Okay, so," I jump excitedly, turning myself towards him. "I'm in love with Megan, right?"

"Yeah?"

"And like... I really like her, right?"

"Yeah", he say while chuckling. Claudia doing the same.

"I want to take her on a trip."

"Oh? To where?"

"I was just gonna tell you that", I say while slapping him on his arm. "Have some patience, damn."

"Sorry." He laughs while throwing his hands in the air out of defeat.

I sigh and continue my story, Claudia still giggling while listening to our conversation with full attention.

"Okay, sooo... I wanna take her to Hawaii." The biggest smile is formed on my face while I tell them that. Both Finneas' and Claudia's eyes go wide, their mouth slightly open. "I know she's always been wanting to go there, so... what do you think?"

"Um–Well", Finneas says, clearing his throat while quickly looking at Claudia and then back at me. "I don't think our opinion should matter. I mean, knowing you, whatever it is we say, you're gonna do it the way you want it anyways, so–"

"Finneas." I look at him, my eyebrows raised.

He sighs and takes my hand. "Look, Billie... you still have a career. There's a lot of shows we have in a few months, weeks, almost. We need to prepare." I just stare at him, clenching my jaws. "Besides... what about your management? You said you wanted to keep your relationship with Megan a secret for a while, but... you do realize you'll have to tell them about it if you decide to go to Hawaii with her, right?"

I know he's right. And I hate it. I hate that my management gets to decide who I should date or not. Wait. You know what? I won't let them. I am not gonna let them decide what happens with my life. My life.

"I'm sorry, Bil. Don't be mad." Trying to place his hand on my shoulder, I push it away.

"I'm not–I'm not mad. I know you're right." I look at them, both of their faces in a sad frown. "But... I'm still gonna ask her to come with me."

"Huh?", both of them say at the same time.

"What? They can't control my love life. It's my life, Finneas. I've had this conversation with you before." I point at him. "And about the shows we have... I still have a life next to my career, you know? My life isn't only singing and performing. You know how much I love to do that, but sometimes I need a break from that, too. I just don't always want to be the Billie Eilish. I want to be able to go out with my friends and, you know, go to Hawaii with... the one I love."

They smile, Finneas softly rubbing my shoulder. "Okay, Bil. I get that. And if that's what you want then I'm not gonna stop you."

"Thanks, Fin." I look at Claudia, who is creepily smiling at me. "What?", I ask while giggling.

She shrugs. "I just... I can see how much you care for her. The way you guys are meant for each other, it's just... it warms my heart."

I smile.

"Now go", Finneas says. "Go ask her."

"Jesus christ, Fin. It's not a proposal."

"Shut up."

I give them both a hug, leave their house, get into my car and text Megan.

meg💕👩‍❤️‍👩

hey love
could you come over tonight?
for dinner?
Delivered 3:45 PM

I want to make this night special. I want to give her everything and make her feel everything in one night the way she makes me feel every day. Loved, safe, wanted.

I'm happy. Because of her I'm happy. Completely and perfectly incandescently happy. If only she could see that. If only she could see how happy I am whenever I'm around her. If only she could see the stupid smiles I get whenever we're texting. If only she could see how lucky I feel to be able to call her mine. If only she could see herself the way I see her.

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