physiotherapy | awsten knight

13: anxious-avoidant

November 19th, 4 weeks before the incident

Grace definitely needed Cosima to do some explaining. Her and Otto had been chilling in her bed, unsuspecting of anything and suddenly, Cosima was texting her that she was taking Awsten to a wedding out of all things.

"You could've just, you know, done something normal for a first date, like get dinner? Or go to see a movie?", Grace spoke into her phone.

Cosima laughed nervously at the other end, "I'm not taking him on a date. It's my cousin's wedding and I had a spare invite."

Otto stifled a laugh, hearing the conversation over the speaker of Grace's pink phone, "You know damn well either one of us would've called in sick to go with you."

"Well, Awsten doesn't know that.", Cosima was finishing up cleaning the dishes she hadn't had the chance to clean before Awsten came over.

"I know you're not a fan of talking about any of this stuff, so I will say just this one thing: I fucking knew it.", Grace asserted.

"Yeah, whatever.", Cosima laughed in a hum. She was afraid she was going to jinx it, by talking too much about her new-found interest in the boy, even though she wanted to. He made butterflies erupt in her stomach at the of worst times.

Grace and Otto shared a silent look, but for the two of them it was enough to communicate. Otto lowered his head down to the phone.

"You didn't deny it.", he ominously said, though a bit of pride cracked through.

"Deny what?", Cosima said, playing dumb, as she put a stack of clean plates into her cabinet.

"That you like him.", Otto pressed again.

"Well maybe I kind of do, I don't know, I like being around him, but like, this is still very fresh to me...", Cosima picked up her phone and walked over into her bedroom, before plopping down onto her comforter.

"It's okay to say that you like someone, and to talk about it too. It won't affect your relationship with him.", Otto slowly said, as he took over holding the phone and he leaned back against the wall of Grace's bedroom.

Otto always knew what to say to Cosima. His ability to read her was unmatched and a lot of times he came to the conclusions she needed to come to before she had even realised it. Damn shrinks.

"I just don't want to get hyped over it too much... I feel like if I say it out loud, then it's definitely real.", Cosima admitted quietly.

"And what would be so bad about that?", Otto pressed.

"Well, I would get attached and if I do that I'm more likely to get hurt.", Cosima explained and rested against the wall of her own bedroom, unknowingly mirroring her best friend's position.

"While you're not wrong, and that's always going to be a possibility within literally everything you do, you also can't fall in love with him like that. You can't fall in love with someone without getting attached, and letting them in.", Otto said and Grace sent him a sympathetic look.

While Cosima didn't go as much into depth about her problems with Grace, she knew enough. And dating was a sore spot. The nosy part in her always wanted to prog, and get Cosima to go out more, meet people and experience the highs and lows of dating. Admittedly, the lows sucked, but they were worth going through, because the highs were so rewarding. If Grace hadn't ever considered letting herself be open and trusting with people, she would have never had what she has with Otto. And she wanted that for Cosima, too.

"I never said I want to fall in love with him. At this point, I don't even know if I have the emotional or physical capacity for that. I feel like something's going to happen that will make me doubt everything...", Cosima finally articulated a thought she's been having for a while. Not just with Awsten, but with other people before him.

She had tried to go on a date a three months after the traumatic incident where a guy had touched her without consent.

She thought she had been ready, and she had enjoyed talking to someone on tinder. He was funny, attractive and had interesting hobbies. They wanted to meet up, but she had constantly been preoccupied and anxious in the days leading up to it that she ended up cancelling. Cosima had even been honest with the guy, and told him that she hadn't been doing well mentally and that she did want to go out, but she just couldn't. He accepted it, but his reaction had told her though, that he thought it was a cop-out. They didn't continue speaking after that.

"I don't know how to say this without sounding like a self-proclaimed internet psychologist, because it sounds like it's bullshit, but you have to stop telling yourself that it's going to go downhill. Because then, you will be unconsciously looking for red flags, that aren't even there to begin with.", Otto spoke assertively and clearly, trying to get his point across.

"I know that I'm probably just being paranoid, but it's hard not to be.", Cosima sighed.

Otto got up from the bed and started pacing around the room, looking for the right questions to ask.

"Has he ever done or said anything that's made you feel uncomfortable?"

"No."

"Has there ever been a moment with him where you had trouble setting boundaries?", Otto inquired again.

"No... I mean I wasn't sure if I wanted to let him come to the basketball match, but he said he would've accepted it, if I had said no.", Cosima mumbled and before she knew it, she was coming to the realisation that there was actually nothing to fear about Awsten.

"See?", Otto said softly, "You absolutely can do this."

"I hope-", Cosima wanted to say that she hoped Otto was right, but he interrupted her.

"What now?", he reiterated.

"You're right.", Cosima answered in a tone of finality.

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