physiotherapy | awsten knight

38: I'm still standing pt. 2

tw: Bad coping mechanisms (hurting yourself through hitting, restricted eating) if you struggle with this, please be aware that these actions are Not suited to deal with stressful situations.

February 5th — February 14th, 15 weeks after the incident

Tears brimmed at Cosima's eyes as the intro to 'I'm still standing' played. The memory of Awsten and her dancing at her cousin's wedding kept coming back to the forefront of her mind.

"And don't you know I'm still standing better than I ever did, looking like a true survivor or feeling like a little kid."

She mouthed the words along slowly and her voice broke off halfway through, making her words come out more incoherent with every syllable.

When the upbeat music became louder, Cosima's panic attack fully unfolded. Short breaths escaped her dry throat, she felt dizzy and saw stars, all while her chest felt like it might combust from the impact. She had never in her life felt pain like this; it crushed her ribs and shredded her bones to pieces.

Her chest was heaving up and down heavily. She buried her face into her blanket while her breathing kept failing her. She started to scream. Her legs were thrashing around and her hands, balled to fists, pounded the cushions around her.

She didn't even know what she was shouting at, but she was so angry.

She sat up abruptly, her eyes fleeted around the room to find something she could break or throw. Initially, she got stuck on an empty Nutella jar that she used as a candy container. She wanted to take it and just smash it against the wall. She wanted to hear it shatter into pieces, big and small ones. And then she would step on them and have the shrouded glass cut open her soles.

But she didn't do it — she never reach out for the glass, never smashed it and never let it tear open her skin. She knew she could never take it back — just like she could never take back what she had done to Awsten.

Thinking of him brought upon a whole other wave of anger and so, she did the next best thing — throw her fists against the wall. She just wanted to be in control for once. She kept doing it over and over again until her hands started feel bruised.  Her breath slowly started to become steadier.

She was exhausted then and leaned back against the wall, closing her eyes. She wanted to call Otto and vent, but she felt ashamed.

Cosima didn't think she was worthy of his support right now, but her own intrusive thoughts scared her. She started sobbing again, and another round of tears spilled from her already red eyes.

This had been an ongoing cycle since Awsten had left. She would expose herself to anything that reminded her of him, because she needed to mourn. Hence why she had decided to watch Rocket Man out of all the movies she could have picked.

But she didn't have the option to mourn peacefully - not when it was her fault that he had to leave in the first place. Her stupid paranoia had driven him away. She knew that she had not given him another option than to leave. And it made her hurt so much more.

The most twisted part about it all was that the a part of her brain was relieved. Finally, he was gone. And finally, her paranoia shut up. There was nothing to be suspicious about anymore since his words had sounded pretty definitive. But at the same time, the fear of them coming back, which was quite likely, prevented her from reaching out to him and from trying to make amends.

It was not like he would have tolerated it anyways.

*****

Cosima spent more than a week cooped in her apartment, despite her previous ambition to finish the semester like everyone else. She couldn't bring herself to more than the bare minimum though; she only got out of bed when she needed to use the bathroom or when the rumbling in her stomach got too overwhelming. She was slowly running out of food options, too. Though, she rarely actually hungry and didn't think she was deserving of food on top of that.

And it wasn't like her friends weren't checking up on her — they did. But responding to their texts never developed into her telling them what was actually going on, for a number of reason. Firstly, Jawn was too close to Awsten for her liking. And despite the fact that her brain had shut up for the most part, the suspicions hadn't disappeared completely. And whether or not what she thought was true, he was still Awsten's best friend and despite that Cosima and him were friends outside of her relationship with Awsten too, it definitely wouldn't be the right move to seek comfort in him in any case.

Lying to Otto and Grace was harder, but not impossible. It pained her a lot more, but she knew what to say to them the more. She was able to keep them at a safe distance from all her mess. Her reasons were simple; firstly, she felt undeserving of their potential sympathy or help and secondly, she feared that they would abandon her too, once they got the full picture.

It took until the 14th for Cosima to begrudgingly drag herself out of the house. It was Valentine's day out of all the days it could've been, too. However, she could not leave her fridge empty for any longer.

She had tried to dress as inconspicuous as possible, in baggy pants and a dark hoodie. Her white hair - unkempt due to neglecting her personal hygiene, was covered by a beanie and her hood and therefore successfully hiding her most identifying feature. Keeping her hood pulled up gave another advantage, too: hiding her hollow and pale face and the tired circles under her eyes.

She felt like a zombie when she walked through H.E.B. She wanted to make her trip as short as possible, but it was hard for her to maintain focus on the task at hand due to the malnutrition she suffered from. Needing to push the card was actually already taking too much out of her, as her hands kept trembling. And she was shivering too, even though she hadn't even arrived at the chilled section of the supermarket.

She eventually got everything she deemed necessary. Before checkout, she came across a display of flowers — presumably as a Valentine's special. She couldn't help but wonder whether Awsten would have gotten her those if she hadn't ruined their relationship.

She slipped out of the store as quickly as possible after, not wanting to accidentally cross paths with anyone she knew.

When Cosima arrived at home, she felt like crying again.

It simply wasn't fair. How had it come so far? Why hadn't she been able to better herself? Why was she consumed by guilt when before, she was consumed by fear? Why couldn't she just get herself together? Why couldn't she turn back time? Why did she have to suffer at all? Why did she wish to have Awsten near, when she was just going to push him away again? Why was she terrified of him? Why couldn't she just get over it? Why had she even questioned him in the first place?

Nothing made sense to her anymore. Her questions were contradicting themselves in strict rotation. It felt like she was experiencing hell on earth.

*****