physiotherapy | awsten knight

14: line without a hook

tw: mention of suicide attempts, depression, ADHD

November 20th — November 24th, 3 weeks before the incident

Just when Cosima thought, she had it all figured out, everything had to go down the drain, of course.

Mental stability was something she craved desperately, but could probably never have. The whole week she was plaqued with overthinking and hopelessness to the point where she felt numb. She moved through her day to day on autopilot, while in the back of her mind, one question was persistent: What is the point?

Her phone was overflowing with notifications and E-mails from all sorts of people, but none of which she had the energy to look at, let alone reply to. Professors, friends, family, seemingly everyone needed an answer or maybe just wanted a chat, but she simply was in no position to give it to them.

Otto caught on to it on the third day. Cosima's eye bags were darkly hanging down to her cheeks. He also noticed her appetite changing, as she was hardly eating anything in the cafeteria. He reminded her to take her medication.

"I ran out...", she mumbled lifelessly with her head on the small round table of the cafeteria that probably had all sort of germs on it, but she couldn't care less.

"Do you need me to call your psychiatrist for a new one?", Otto offered swiftly.

Cosima felt guilty that he had to offer, so the tears brimmed at her eyes.

"No, I'm fine."

Otto insisted, "It's not a problem, here it will only take two minutes."

He took out his phone and dialled the number. It had previously been saved to his phone from other times where Otto had spoken to Cosima's psychiatrist in need of a renewed prescription.

Otto had a official permission to ask for renewals and pick them up in her name, for times like these. The call was quick and the nurse assured him that the prescription would be ready for pick-up. Now, Otto only had to drive up to Lexington. It would take him two hours to get there and two hours back, but he was aware of the urgency. Cosima needed her antidepressants.

While Otto was out for the afternoon, driving to pick up Cosima's prescription and to go to a pharmacy, Grace was helping at Cosima's apartment cooking dinner and cleaning for her. Cosima would never ask for it, but past experience told Grace that it did do her well. And even if Cosima wasn't physically able to mouth the words, Grace knew she was thankful.

Cosima was laying on the couch, watching an episode of Modern Family, as Grace put some tupperwares filled with pasta and rice dishes into the freezer. She placed sticky notes onto the freezer door to remind Cosima that there were pre-cooked meals awaiting her on the inside.

Otto returned four hours later, with two boxes of antidepressants in hand and handed them over to Cosima. Tears brimmed in her eyes as she told him a small thank you, followed by a guilty I'm sorry.

They stayed with her until midnight, before they drove back to Otto's apartment for the night. Cosima took a pill to help her fall asleep and it knocked her out until the next morning, when her alarm rang for Uni.

That morning, she took her medications straight away. Her depressive symptoms didn't disappear from one moment to another, but she felt a different at least, in a weird, twisted high and with a dry mouth.