physiotherapy | awsten knight

36: stockholm syndrome

January 31st, 13 weeks after the incident

It was a monday. But it wasn't just any day. It was the first day since her injury that Cosima had gone back to class.

She spotted Jawn walking around campus before their lecture together. He was surprised to see her, but pleasantly.

"Hey, stranger!", he smiled warmly at her and embraced her in a quick hug.

"It's good to see you again.", Cosima nodded, mustering up a smile.

The events of last night were still fresh in her memory. Once she had stopped fighting her deep rooted suspicions, it had caused a frenzy. Her entire apartment had appeared tainted, like there were blood stains everywhere. His used dishes were taunting her, screaming at her that she was dammed.

This had resulted in her deep cleaning her entire apartment and showering way too hot and way too long in an attempt to rid herself of every trace Awsten could've possibly left.

"I didn't know you were coming back so soon. Awsten hasn't mentioned it, but I guess he thought you would tell me yourself.", Jawn said casually as they were walking to class ,side by side.

"We're uh- not exactly on speaking terms.", Cosima stammered, as she felt herself close up just at the mention of his name.

Jawn looked at her with surprise, "Oh. I didn't know. Are you okay?", he asked, concerned.

Cosima didn't want to talk about it though. Especially not with Jawn. For all she knew, he could be repeating their conversation to Awsten.

"No, I'm alright. Thanks for checking in though.", is all she told him.

She didn't end up sitting next to Jawn during their lecture. He had only sent her a questioning look, but decided not
to probe into it. He brushed it off as her just having a bad day.

Cosima wasn't having just a bad day though. She didn't want to be around Jawn, because of his close relationship with Awsten.

She was aware that she was going down a dead end street with the way she was letting her suspicions get the best of her, but she couldn't help it.

The anxiety was winning.

Later on, she spotted Gracie coming her way on campus, but Cosimaa turned around and walked into the opposite direction to avoid her too. She may have been nice to her when they met, but she was not in a clear state of mind.

When she got home, having avoided anyone that's ever spoken to her still-boyfriend, she was exhausted.

She felt torn.

One part of her brain is telling her one thing, that she loved Awsten, that she wanted to be near him and thatbshe wanted to tell him how she's sorry and how he's all she can think about. No matter if he's physically next to her or across the state. She wanted to hear his voice and listen to him rant about the smallest things and his funny anecdotes.

Those moments of clarity were rare though.

The other, louder part of her brain was telling her something entirely else.

Any time Awsten declared his love for her, she had to question it immediately. She couldn't even fight it, because at this point it happened automatically. She felt like he was trying to bound her to him.

For example, any time he says or insinuates things along the line of 'all we need is each other' it made her feel trapped and alarmed, even.

She needed to be her own person and not have her world revolve around only him. Though she feared that it was already happening.

She couldn't remember seeing anyone other than Awsten since her accident. Sure, she had talked to Grace and Otto over the phone. Or one of them had stopped by for maybe ten minutes in total. Though each time, Awsten had been present as well.

The more she made herself aware of these things, the more freaked out she became.

But she couldn't stop.

It seemed like, the only person who really benefited from her injury was Awsten. Okay, maybe the health care system profited off of it, too but that was beside the point.

Since her accident, she had been reliant on him. There was a time, where she couldn't even walk by herself, or stand for long enough to make herself food.

And again, Awsten had been the one to take control of it. He was insistent on doing these things for her. Almost like he didn't trust her to take care of herself.

But that couldn't be, or could it?

What if the reason for him taking over and being so overly involved in every aspect of her life was for him to control her?

It was twisted and made Cosima feel sick.

She felt like she had been held hostage emotionally and had developed stockholm syndrome, but slowly gaining clarity again.

But was that actual clarity? Or was that paranoid thinking? Or was believing in a good-natured Awsten something was manipulated into thinking ?

Cosima didn't know what to believe anymore or who to trust. She didn't know how reliable her thoughts were. Maybe they were trapping her? Maybe they had nothing do with reality? However, she couldn't be sure about what reality was anymore.

Before, her body was telling her to flee; to just run away when Awsten or any of his friends were near. The nausea, the racing heart, the sweaty hands, the need to throw up; her body had been trying to send her warning signs so often. She couldn't have ignored them any longer.

But now, that she had run; from Awsten, from Jawn, from Gracie, she felt frozen.

Her mind was ripping her apart from the inside out. The constant push and pull she had been hiding from, but passively embracing was tiring her out.

The guilt was ever-so consuming, but then there was also fear. She couldn't tell the difference between right and wrong anymore.

She found herself unable to move, because her thoughts were all-consuming, but she couldn't stop thinking about it either. It left her feeling powerless and paralysed with fear, alone in the darkness of her bedroom.

*****